Nobody Dies: Those Who Remain
by ArujeiGo
Summary: AU of "Nobody Dies", following from Ch. 75. The year is 2037, and Colonel Mana Kirishima is assigned to head back to her once home of Tokyo-3. But why did she leave in the first place?
1. Papillon

This is an AU of the quite good Evangelion fanfic "Nobody Dies," branching off from Chapter 75. In this work, Lilith did not give up those she had taken, but was eventually defeated. We start 20 years afterward, with Mana Kirishima.

**Chapter 1 – Papillon**

Mana sat on the wooden balcony, taking in the summer evening. Stretched out below her were the forests of Maine in the mature bloom of August; green seas broken here and there by clear lakes. From here one could see the far off Blue Mountains on a clear day. There was little sound, just the various noises of the woods around her. Once in a while could be heard deer leaping through the foliage. Behind her, through the screen door, she could hear the soft sound of the television, tuned to the local news. Maine, never very exciting before Second Impact, had become even more distant from the world around it. Just the way the locals liked it.

"Well the beautiful weather we've had so far looks like it's come to an end, as it's likely we'll be getting some major thunderstorms from the west in the next few days," informed the weather reporter, by her voice probably a young woman. "What a shame, let's hope Bangor doesn't get cut off by floods like last year. Thanks for that, Jill," replied one of the anchors, an older man. "Moving on, our top story tonight: Oxford Hills bribery scandal - Who Knew What?"

Mana tuned her attention out, and thought about what to do with herself. Her weekly dinner with the Frederickson couple was two days from then, on Friday. She wondered why the continued to bring her out every week. "_Probably some sense of self-sacrificing duty - 'Oh, let's help the foreign woman make friends! It'll be such credit to us in our screwed-up Congregationalist church that we're reaching out to her at our cost, I mean how could she have friends-_'" She stopped that train of thought, and realized she was being uncharitable to them. The Fredericksons were nice, if extraordinarily parochial. When Mana had found herself alone in Harrison, they had been the first to come and see her on a regular basis. Their way of checking up on her. With their children grown, married, and moved off to such distant locales as New Portland and Augusta, they had a lot of free time on their hands. Although Mana was certain there would never be a day when the operations of their puzzle company would ever interest her in the slightest, they were friendly, open, and at least made the pretense of listening to her.

Not that Mana spoke very much. Once she had been the most outspoken and vivacious in that most elite of groups - the Evangelion pilots. Well, barring one. If she had told her past self that one day she would spend days on end in rural America, young her probably would have punched her through a wall. But the years had mellowed her out somewhat. Of course, she still fondly remembered the day she had made a Lieutenant General in the American army fall apart in a quivering heap of piss and tears with a tirade that was still spoken of in the military as one spoke of famed Illium, but she found that it wasn't necessary to destroy everyone in the path of her objectives. Once you get to a certain point, she found, your reputation fights for you. And she had used that to great effect as the "Head JSSDF Representative to the Joint Chiefs of Staff."

The sound of a woodpecker ramming its face against a tree pulled her out of her memories. What to do with myself? she thought. There was a stack of papers with her name on it inside her office, but she decided not to deal with it that evening. Instead, she walked into the living room and headed for the bookcase. Novels, treatises, poetry, the smallest fraction of a library that took up a good portion of the basement. And only a fraction of it hers. She pulled a volume out at random, well-worn dark red leather with a coat of arms embossed on the front cover. She flicked to the end to see if it was worth reading:

_"They, looking back, all the eastern side beheld_

_Of Paradise, so late their happy seat,_

_Waved over by that flaming brand, the gate_

_With dreadful faces thronged and fiery arms:_

_Some natural tears they dropped, but wiped them soon;_

_The world was all before them, where to choose_

_Their place of rest, and Providence their guide;_

_They, hand in hand, with wandering steps and slow,_

_Through Eden took their solitary way."_

Mana, her hands slightly shaking, closed the book, and placed it back on the shelf. She frowned, realizing her hands shouldn't be doing that. Maybe they were too well synced with her. She wondered if he might bring up the possibility of desynchronizing her limbs, an idea she wasn't fond of. She still wore the ring on her left hand for a reason, and she wanted to be sure she could feel it. She pulled out another volume, a Hemingway novella. With book in hand she opened up the closet that served as her bar, and poured herself a measure of whiskey. The restraint of not pulling straight from the bottle would have amazed her younger self.

She sat back down in the chair on the balcony, placing the glass on the wooden table, and cracked open the book, _Over the River and Through the Woods_.

* * *

"-and with the economy as it is, people just aren't buying puzzles like they used to. I mean, the last thousand-piece one we sold was almost 4 months ago. If this keeps up I'm worried we may have to lay off a worker or two," explained David Frederickson, aged owner of the Harrison Puzzle Company. Mana cut up the alfredo chicken in front of her, listening to her meal companions. "Oh, I don't even want to think about that," said David's wife Lisa, "I mean, they're all such good workers, and I'm just not sure there are any jobs as good as ours in town! I can't imagine turning someone like Cynthia out, or what about Jacob? Doesn't he have a new baby boy?" David sighed, "I know, sweetie. I don't like thinking about it either. But! we forget our manners with Miss Kirishima. I'm sure she's more than sick of hearing about our woes!" they both laughed, and Mana smiled. "It's not a problem, I swear," Mana said, "it's your livelihood. I'd be talking about my own, if it wouldn't get me shot," she laughed at the end, letting the other two know it was a joke.

Around them, The Old Factory bustled with diners and waitresses. On the main road through Harrison, it attracted a good number of customers from the surrounding towns and villages. Mana had been adverse to the idea at first, thinking that it would be lobster-this or lobster-that, but she had been pleasantly surprised the first time she had been taken there.

"So Miss Kirishima, how are you?" Lisa asked. Mana blinked, realizing she must have zoned out for a few moments. "Oh, I'm, uh, I'm alright. I've been able to throw most of my work onto my subordinates for a while - you know, the maintenance reports, requisition forms, all that shhiii-crud. All that crud." David began laughing and pounding his palm onto the table, while Lisa rolled her eyes. Wiping away a tear from his eye, David spoke "Please, Miss Kirishima, we're not that prudish. If you want to call it bureaucratic bullshit, you ought to! Too often people catch themselves from speaking what's on their minds, when they ought to let the truth come rushing out!" He laughed as he spoke. Mana chuckled with him and Lisa. "If I remember correctly, Mr. Fred-" Mana began, when Mr. Frederickson interjected with "David!" "-David, didn't you say that it was because you were a little too open with your opinion on your manager that you got fired from that IT company you started off in?"

David smiled. "You remember correctly, Mana my dear! 'Computer Systems Analysis' based in my old hometown of Bangor." David stopped for a moment, thinking. "Say Mana, I hope you don't mind me asking, but where *is* home for you?"

Mana stopped the fork at her mouth for a moment, then slowly bit the slice of chicken and chewed it. She looked at her glass of beer, the condensation on its surface slowly dripping down to darken the white tablecloth. After a moment Lisa said "It's alright if you don't-" "That's a good question," Mana finally said. She looked at the two, worried for a moment why they were asking, but tamped down her old habitual response of shutting herself off. "I'd have to say it was back in Japan. Tokyo-3. Haven't been back since I left."

"You know, it might do you some good to head back there," David ventured. Mana shifted her eyes to him and raised an eyebrow, "Says the man who hasn't left Harrison in 13 years?" She smiled at the two. "True, you have me there! But that's also because we make sure the kids come to us, rather than the other way around." "That's just because you're too lazy to leave town," Lisa said. "When did this become an interrogation about me?" David asked. The old couple bickered as most are wont to do.

After 2 hours or so, she bid them goodnight, and walked back to her home from the restaurant. As she walked up the road, she flipped up the nail of her right ring finger, revealing a flashlight. As she opened the door to the house, she sat down in front of her computer and began working on some forms. But her thoughts were turned to home.

* * *

From the moment Mana had first arrived in North Dakota, when she was barely considered a legal adult, and asked to train men and women with a decade on her how to pilot the descendants of the Jet Alone Prime and T-RIDEN-T series, she had hated the state. And hated it with the passion she could bring to bear that few could match. It was the worst of all possible landscapes - not the beautiful mountains of western Montana, or the now quickly-growing forests of Minnesota, instead just a flat expanse, with nary a tree or hill in sight to break up the horizon. For Mana, it had been, and still was, mind-numbingly boring.

As she stepped out of the courier jet she had taken from New Portland onto the landing pad at Trident Base (an attempt at a joking pun from a lowly staffer – a reference to the god of the sea, in a landlocked state! – no one had laughed, even if they had kept the name), Mana felt the emotions rise up again. The thought that at least she wouldn't be here forever kept her from openly scowling. There to meet her under the blinding stadium lights was Lieutenant William Petrosian, her latest assistant. And longest-lasting, as well, having dealt with the fabled "Japanese Demon" for 3 years. His eyes were bloodshot, face unshaved (leaving a dirty patchwork of blond scruff), and uniform slept-in. "Ma'am," he said. His sloppy salute was more sloppily returned. "Lieutenant, good to see you're keeping up your appearances." He grunted and mumbled against that, then took a PDA out, and handed it over to Mana. She took it, and began scanning the contents as they walked towards the base's train system. Around them milled the last workers of the night shift, finishing their work in the pre-dawn twilight.

As the two sat down in an otherwise empty car, it accelerated slightly, and began descending. William yawned, folded his arms, and closed his eyes. Mana tried to read the material, but her mind wouldn't focus on it. Unit Gamma, a 3rd-generation Jet-Alone Prime, was scheduled for an activation test at 0730 hours that bleary Monday morning. Mana was there to provide "supervision and experiential advice." That was about as much Mana could get out of the 30 page long report on the PDA William had given her.

Taking a deep breath, she looked over at William, snoring quietly in the seat across the aisle from her. He did what she asked him, and didn't try to come into her life any other way. She respected him for that. As she looked, behind him the view out the windows turned from the dark tunnel to the interior of the 2nd U.S. Geofront. An amazing sight to anyone who hadn't seen one, but one she had gotten used to long before.

After getting off the tram and making their way to the JA-P³ hangars, they arrived to find most of the necessary staff already there. Head technician Patrick Sizzo was checking through the various pre-activation tests, Chief Pilot Chester Jefferson sat holding his chin in his left palm, eyes glazed over, and Base Commander Paola Hernandez stood, back straight, keeping an imperious eye over the various underlings. As Hernandez heard the door open, she shot her glance over to Mana.

"Colonel Kirishima, nice to have you join us this morning," she said, then turning her eyes out the windows in front to Unit Gamma's bronze colored 'head'.

"Well good morning to you too, General," Mana said, then wandered over to the far side of the room and sat in a chair next to Chester.

"Morning, Krish," he said, handing her a cup of coffee. She took a long drink, and exhaled happy sounds. "Morning Jeff, and thank you."

"Not a problem," he replied.

"So," Mana said, "what exactly are we here for?"

Chester kicked out his legs, "I'm pretty sure we're here so that if anything goes wrong, Hernandez can blame us. This is her first activation test, and I'm not sure we've had any unit start off without some hitch. I think she's afraid there might be a repeat of Unit Zeta."

"Urgh," she said, shuddering, "don't remind me." She was about to ask Chester how he had been, when Sizzo called out that everything was ready. Mana looked at a clock, 0730 on the dot. Sizzo was many things, but one could not fault him for being late.

"Alright then," General Hernandez said, "let's begin the test. Captain Howard, are you ready?" she asked the viewscreen in front of her, showing the inside of Gamma's cockpit. The suited figure shot a thumbs up. "Let's start this up," he said. "Good. Sizzo, let's begin."

Sizzo stood behind one of the techs, and began calling out the stages of activation. He reached the penultimate portion, and Mana found her body tensing up. Usually tests had the screw up well before the end, except for Zeta, which had tried to eat the pilots mind with the first mental connection. She prayed this wouldn't go the same way.

"Full activation in 20 seconds!" cried Sizzo. Mana looked around the room, and saw the same tension in everyone else, people squeezing their cups of coffee, or fidgeting in their seats. All except William, who was nonchalantly biting off a sliver of one of his fingernails, and flicking it away from him.

"10 seconds! 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..-" Just as the countdown was about to end, the entire testing room and machine went dark. For a terrible moment, everyone sat there in the quiet black.

"What the HELL just happened?" cried Hernandez, and then everyone snapped back into work to get the power back online.

"Aw damn," said Mana. There went her easy week at Trident.

* * *

It had taken 2 hours for Mana and General Hernandez to stop yelling at each other. At the moment, Mana, Chester, Sizzo, and the Base Physician Emily Conn were all waiting around a small wooden conference table in the Trident headquarter pyramid. Unable to leave until Hernandez was back from reporting this to the Joint Chiefs, they whiled away the time, sleeping (Sizzo), brewing probably unhealthy amounts of coffee (Chester), or doodling in their notebook (Conn). Mana looked over at some of Conn's drawings, remarkably lifelike renditions of the other people in the room, including a sketch of the sleeping Sizzo.

"Wow, you even got the sliver of drool coming out of his mouth. I'm impressed," she said. Conn laughed, and was about to respond when Hernandez slid open the door and walked in. Without a word, she sat down at the head of the table.

"So what's the word?" asked Chester, giving Sizzo a forceful push to his head to wake him up.

Hernandez frowned. "All tests are to be put on hold indefinitely. Captain Howard is to be kept in medical until we know for sure how he's doing."

Conn frowned as well. "We know how he is, he's fine. Maybe a little rattled from all the adrenaline, but he's no worse for wear."

"The Joint Chiefs don't want to screw up anymore," Hernandez replied.

"So what are they thinking of now? This is the third time a JA-P³ unit has had a botched activation test," Mana said.

Hernandez looked straight at her. "That's apparently where you come in, Colonel Kirishima. The Joint Chiefs, for all the past enmity with them, have realized they need the help of Nerv. And they want you to go to Tokyo-3 and try and get it, if you accept."

All eyes moved to Mana. She leaned back in her chair, finished her cup of coffee, crumpled it and threw it into the trash can. She nodded her head.

"I'll do it."


	2. Tokyo3 is in the Telephone

**Chapter 2 – Tokyo-3 is in the Telephone**

For three weeks Mana, with William's help, frantically went about setting her affairs in order before she left for Japan. The Fredericksons happily agreed to watch the house in Maine, and Will swore three different oaths, including on his honor as a former Eagle Scout, that he wouldn't use Mana's trip as an excuse to not work. Her direct subordinate, Lt. Col. Saidani Higa, was to hold down the fort at the Pentagon. A quick check up with Conn found Mana's cybernetics in perfect working order.

So on October 9, 2037, Mana found herself being whisked away from Trident Base by helicopter to Minot Air Force Base. At 3:52 AM. The poor staffer who had scheduled the departure time had been lucky that it was only his metal desk that held the deep imprint of Mana's fist, and not his face. Luckily for everyone else on the helicopter, Mana was able to get some rest, though no one really knew how.

At Minot she threw her few bags onto the baggage cart and boarded a small scramjet, and as they took off eastwards, the sun began peeking over the horizon. Before she closed her eyes again, she slammed down the sun guard on the window, cracking the small plastic handle. None of the other dozen passengers (mostly other military types) tried to wake her up, and when the steward came by around 2 hours into the air with the intention of asking if anyone wanted drinks, they hurriedly shushed him from waking up Mana. With their silence, they bought their lives on the flight.

* * *

Mana stepped off the stairway of the military transport onto the tarmac. In the distance she could see the skyscrapers and skyline of Tokyo-3, the glass reflecting the mid-morning sun. A few were new to her eyes, but she smiled as she recognized a good portion of them. A voice called out towards her over the sound of refueling trucks and jeeps: "Colonel! Colonel! Over here!" She looked, and saw a young woman wearing the brown uniform of Nerv waving towards her. The young woman ran towards her, squeaking as she was nearly run over by a maintenance vehicle, but eventually came up to her, panted, and saluted. "Colonel," she breathed. Mana returned the salute. "I take it you're my escort for now?" she asked. She studied the young woman, obviously not Japanese with her red-blond hair, but her language skills didn't hold the same accent that an American or Brit would have in speaking Japanese. "My name is Athene Prideaux, and I have been assigned as your adjutant by Commander Katsuragi while you're here. On her, and the rest of Nerv's, behalf, I'd like to welcome you to Tokyo-3, Colonel Kirishima." The young woman's smile positively beamed with sweet sincerity.

Mana Kirishima smiled, but it wasn't in response to Athene. The cloyingly nice girl would be dealt with in time, her happiness (surely a result from getting more sleep than Mana did) an affront to Mana. No, Mana was smiling for another reason. She was back home.

As Athene gushed on about the state of Tokyo-3 and Nerv, how both had changed since the Angel War, Mana found herself comparing the sights in front of her to her memories. For one, there were a hell of a lot more people in town then before. While Tokyo-3 had been a pretty decent sized city when Mana had left, now it was a bona fide metropolis.

"In 2026, Nerv, the European Space Agency, and NASA collaborated on the first manned mission to Mars, the _Beyond Earth_ mission. In fact, the _Explorator_ Base set up there is the direct descendant of that first step. Now, from this cooperation-" Athene was a wellspring of Nerv history, rattling off dates, scientists, public projects and their repercussions in the wider world, all while driving perfectly through the fairly crowded streets. Mana wasn't sure she had stopped to take a breath yet. But she served as nice background noise for the drive through Tokyo-3. Mana cupped her cheek in her left hand and stared out the passenger's window.

"Do you have any questions, Colonel?" Athene asked. Mana tapped her pointer finger on her cheekbone, "So where will I be staying while I'm here?" "Ah! Commander Katsuragi has given you the choice of staying down in the Geofront, or if you'd like, an apartment Nerv has reserved for guests up in the city proper. The Geofront apartment is more spacious, but the topside one has a beautiful view of the solar collectors in the mor-" "I'll take the one up here," Mana cut her off. Athene continued without missing a single perky beat, "Perfect! By the time your meeting with the Commander is over this afternoon, all the arrangements should be made."

The corner of Mana's mouth lifted slightly in a smirk. She was going to have fun destroying Athene later.

* * *

The Geofront had not changed much, in Mana's eyes. The rolling green land was now dotted with small homes for Nerv workers, but there was no major development 'above ground'. The pyramid and its invert still dominated the heart of the facility, with small forests surrounding the massive lake.

Neither had the heart of the base, the underground tunnels and bays, changed. As Athene tried to guide Mana to the meeting room, Mana realized they were taking the long way, around the dedicated Project E sections of the base. Mentioning she needed to find a water fountain, Mana walked away as Athene called out "Alright! I'll be right here when you're done!" Unseen by Athene, Mana smiled.

Turning a corner, Mana made her way to one of the locked doors she saw earlier. 'Let's see if this lives up to its maker's claim' she thought, as she held the thin silver ring imprinted with the Nerv logo on her left middle finger next to the door's ID reader. With a beep, the light on the reader turned green, and the door opened. Mana resisted the urge to fist pump. 'I did not expect that to work,' she thought as she began striding through the corridors of Project E.

Around her were some of the most advanced laboratories in the world, dedicated to the myriad systems and materials that made up the Evas. Spies would kill for access like this, and Kirishima was using it as a shortcut. The disconnect was not lost on her.

As Mana walked through the bustling hallways, she made sure she projected an aura of authority and purposefulness. _The Man Who Was Thursday_, a gift from the Fredericksons in the first few weeks she had come to Maine, had given her plenty of ideas on how to hide in plain sight. If you acted as if you were meant to be there, others would take that for granted, not giving you a second glance. Or in Mana's case, actively getting out of her way as she walked at a quick pace towards the other side of the labs. She wondered if she'd get an *actual* tour of the labs at some point, but she put the thought out of her head as she left Project E and, passing through even more halls, reached her destination.

Checking her watch, she realized she had some time to spare, 7 minutes before the 1:00 PM meeting, so she shrugged, and opened the door to the room...

...finding one Supreme Commander of Nerv, Misato Katsuragi, sloppily making out with her husband, one Kaji Ryoji, on top of the circular wooden table. When they heard the door, both of their faces shot to the door, the shock of embarrassment freezing them in position. Mana slapped her palm against her forehead, and dragged it down her face. The two, contrary to Mana's wishing, remained on the table, sheepish grins creeping along their faces as Mana felt someone walk up behind her. She turned, and saw a woman with short blue hair, orange tinted glasses, and a lab coat on.

"Hello again, Mana, it's good to see you," Kei said. Looking at Mana's face, then into the room as Misato and Kaji finally broke out of their stupor and got to their feet on the floor, Kei walked in and said, "I know, I find them like that every now and again as well."

"Hey Kei, nice to see you too. Have these ones learned no shame in two decades?" Mana asked Kei as she followed her in.

"Hey! We've learned shame!" Misato said as she walked towards Mana, pouting for a moment. Mana stood in front of Misato, still wearing her customary red jacket, though her beret was out of place on her head of now graying hair, and tried to snap a salute, but instead found herself being crushed in a tight bear hug.

"God, Mana, we've missed you so much!" Misato cried out as she smothered Mana. After a few moments of having her face pressed against Misato's collarbone, she was released and took a deep breath. "I can't believe it," Misato continued, "you've grown so well!"

Mana rubbed the back of her head, and said to Misato's back "Well, that's what people tend to do, isn't it? And I swear I wasn't that much shorter when I left." She turned to her right and saw Kaji. She tried to extend a handshake when she was again brought into another hug. "Not very much, I suppose, but you still grew, kid," he said, releasing her and taking a seat next to Kei.

Mana took a seat, "I'm nearly 40, you know. I'm not sure you get to call me 'kid' anymore."

"I was your guardian. It's one of my eternal prerogatives to call you 'kid' from then on," Kaji replied.

"And is it one of your prerogatives as the Commander's husband to have office sex wherever you want?" Mana returned, smiling as Kaji's normally unflappable grin showed a crack.

"Actually, the office sex prerogative is mine," Kei said. Mana's smile vanished, and three pairs of eyes turned to look at her. A small smile had appeared on her lips. "Being the daughter of both the former commander and former head of Project E has some advantages," she said as she slid her glasses up her nose.

"Err, let's move on," Misato said. Turning to Mana, "So, Mana, let's start from the top. I'm Commander of Nerv, Kei is head of Project E and supervisor of Nerv's Section 3, and Kaji here is 'Special Advisor'" "So, your personal cabana boy?" Mana asked.

"Hey!"

"Pretty much. Now, all I heard from the JSSDF was that you were coming by, but no one told us about what. So what's the occasion?"

Mana pulled out a PDA and slid it over the table to Misato. "That has most of the information, but I'll give you the deal." Misato handed the device to Kei, who began quickly running her eyes over it. "The U.S. is having some problems with the Jet Alone Prime³ series. Not only has every activation test yet have something go wrong, but even afterward the pilots report problems with handling, response time, and mental feedback. Luckily we've only had one close call," she pointed to Kei, "that'll be under 'Unit Zeta Incident', but the problems we've had with these units dwarf those we had with the earlier models." Mana poured a glass of water and took a drink.

Misato nodded as she took in the information, then said "And so why come to us? We may have some official projects with NASA, but nothing of any importance with any branch of the military. I'm pretty sure they still hate us for the New Vegas Incident."

Mana nodded her head, "And you'd be right. I remember Admiral Obadiah going off on one of his tirades against you guys about New Vegas at a dinner, and he damn near had a heart attack when I happened to mention halfway through that I had fought in it. But a majority of the Joint Chiefs have come to the realization that no matter what reasons Nerv was founded for, or for whose goals, you're your own thing now. And if there would be anyone with expertise on working on giant robots..."

"It'd be us," Misato finished. "I suppose that makes some sense," Kaji said, "not even the JSSDF has been able to adequately field any kind of Jet Alone derivations."

Kei, having finished a quick read-through looked up at Mana, "I do not like this data. None of these readings make sense for the kind of mental connections I assume the pilots are making."

Misato smiled, "Well would you look at that? Less than 10 minutes and already a lead on where to go!"

"So you'll help?"

Misato gave a thumbs up, "Sure! I'm sure we'll come up with something suitable in exchange for our help. Before we do, though, tell your bosses over the Pacific that first we'll want to station a team wherever they're holding the JA-P³s. And at least unrestricted access to the units and all data concerning them. That'll be the non-negotiable part. Sound good?"

Mana thought for a second, tapping her finger against her lips as she looked at the ceiling. "I think I can sell that," she answered.

Misato's arms shot up in victory, "Perfect! Now this is how I'd like all of my meetings to go – just in and out!"

"And in and out and in and out?" Mana continued with an upraised eyebrow, then laughed as Misato shot her a glare, before she and the other two started laughing as well.

Getting up from the table, Misato stretched her arms above her head. "Well, now that this part is done, got any plans for your free time yet?" she asked Mana.

"Not really," Mana replied, "I'd thought about seeing some people and maybe catching up."

"Well, I don't need him," Misato said, pointing to Kaji, "for a few hours, so if you want him you've got him. Now you'll be having dinner with us at our place tonight, and no, that's not a request." Mana blanched at the thought of Misato's cooking. She looked over at Kaji, who nodded and said, "Don't worry, it's my job to cook." Misato raspberried at them, then hugged Mana again. As she opened the door with Kei behind her, she smiled warmly, lightening the few creases in her face, "It really is good to have you back, Mana."

"Thanks," Mana replied, and nodded her head at Kei as the two exited.

Mana turned from the door, and slumped into her chair as she turned to face Kaji. He kicked her leg, "So, how've you been, kid?"

Mana took another drink from her glass of water. "Well, where do you want me to start? When was the last time we talked?"

"I'd say 16, 17 years ago. You were telling me about your promotion to Captain. I see you've risen further since then," he pointed to the pip s on her cap on the table.

"Well, I've been alright since then. I bought myself a house in Maine a few years ago – in a tiny little village called Harrison. When I'm not in the Pentagon or dealing with the JA-Ps I'm out there."

"And it's nice?" Kaji asked, sipping his own water.

Mana smiled, "It's a great place. A lot quieter than I'm used to. I spend a lot of time reading. The house already had a big library, mostly English, so I've been grabbing stuff at random out of it."

"Any particular favorites so far?"

Mana moved her eyes to her cap. "You'll laugh at me, but I've become a fan of Hemingway."

Kaji made a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat. "I'm not surprised, if that's what you mean. I had to read _The Sun Also Rises_ in college for English myself. I can easily see why you enjoy him. We see parts of ourselves in the characters we read."

"So – you see yourself as Barnes? I can see Misato as Brett, that's for sure."

Kaji laughed. "Back then we may have drank as much as them, but I like to think our relationship is a bit more stable than that. That and I'm fairly certain Misato'n I've proven enough times I'm not impotent."

Mana stuck her tongue out at him.

"But what about you?" he continued, "any lucky man in your life?"

Mana let out a small sigh. "I've had... a few relationships in the past."

Kaji raised an eyebrow. "But...?"

"They've been brief. And not very satisfying. I think the longest was maybe a year and a half."

Kaji nodded his head. "And you're doing alright?"

Mana's face tightened almost imperceptibly. Kicking her feet up onto the table, she folded her arms over her chest. "Yeah, I mean, why wouldn't I be? Unlike you, Kaji, I've always been the one who shot first in my relationships." She smiled, but to Kaji it seemed forced for an instant. He kept quiet, though, and when Mana quickly changed the subject he raised no objection.

* * *

For a few hours, they just talked. About whatever came to their minds. How they had been, their careers, their challenges and triumphs. But mostly they talked about the small things. Mana talked about some of her friends in the military, and how the Fredericksons had made her feel at home in a n alien state. Kaji regaled Mana with some stories of his three kids with Misato. And pictures. And videos. And more stories. The eldest at 18, Michiko, was in her last year of high school, and took much of her looks from her father. The middle child, named for Misato's father Shiro, was beginning his stint in high school. And the youngest girl, Yuzuki, was only a year behind her older brother.

For all the joy she felt at talking with Kaji after so long, after an hour of hearing about his kids' various achievements, both in classes and outside, Mana yearned to begin slamming her head against the table.

Luckily for Mana's skull, when 3:30 rolled around, Kaji realized he had to get going, seeing as it was he who picked up Yuzuki from school after her clubs were done. Before he left, Kaji wrote down the address to his and Misato's home, where Mana would meet them at 7:30 that evening.

"You sure you'll be able to find it? It's a little out of the way up there," Kaji said as he shrugged on his black uniform jacket.

Mana studied the scrap of paper, then turned her head up to Kaji. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. Go get your kid."

Kaji grinned, and as Mana stood up he bounded out the door, speaking over his shoulder, "Great! I'll see you tonight, Mana!" Mana watched as the door closed behind him. She leaned back in her chair in the empty room, thinking. Then she whipped out her phone and dialed the number Athene had given her.

The line rang once before it snapped open. "Colonel Kirishima!" Athene still sounded cheery, but Mana could hear an undercurrent of worry, "I-" Mana cut in. "Athene, I need something to do until my dinner with the Commander tonight. Suggestions?"

The line was quiet for just a moment, before Athene replied. "Well, Colonel, Tokyo-3 is filled with many opportunities for recreation. The Tokyo-3 Zoo is highly recommended-" Once more, Mana cut her off. "Lieutenant, I need something to do. That does not include staring at animals in cages. Is there anything on base that draws folks?"

Silence again. Athene began, her chirpy voice wavering slightly, "Well, there's always the, uhh, laser room."

Mana's interest was piqued. "Laser room, you say? Where is it?" "Uhm, Level A, Section 472," Athene replied. Mana nodded her head. "Good, meet me there in 20 minutes," she said, and then hung up. She stood up and stretched her shoulders. This would be _fun_.

* * *

The "Laser Room," to Mana's joy, turned out to be the Geofront's massive laser tag grounds. Nominally a training room for Nerv security, in practice it was the place where many workers went to blow off steam. The entrance still held a photo of the team from Section 7, Janitorial, that had dominated the Section 2 group for title of "Most Awesome Section" in 2032.

For two hours Mana, with Athene as a partially-willing accomplice and meatshield, dominated the field, demolishing all in her path. By the end of her session, she had racked up 132 "kills" and 1 "death". Athene, in comparison, had 3 kills, 40 deaths, and 7 suicides. Athene wasn't even sure how those had happened. But by the end of it, Mana had felt she had established her position in this domain, even if it was only this one time.

At 6 PM she let Athene go, and finally went to the apartment she had been loaned for the time she was in Tokyo-3. She took a took a shower and, after throwing on some semi-formal clothes for the dinner, watched the sun set over the city on the outside balcony. It was so different now, to her eyes, that even with the familiar sights it rang strange. She looked down on the city from 15 floors up, and tried to find the building she and Kaji had stayed in when she had first gotten there, where her neighbors had been Misato, Shinji, and –

_'Damn,'_ she thought, '_when was the last time I thought about my past like this? Probably shouldn't think about that before this dinner_. _I don't even know if the son of a bitch is still in the country._"

Soon enough, she found it was time to head out. She left for the Commander's home, but found herself unable to completely ignore her recollections.


	3. I Was Only 17

**Chapter 3 – I Was Only 17**

"God DAMN YOU!" Mana screamed at her opponent. She thrust forward the control handles, and the so-called 'Ree-tron' thrust its arms forward, echoing the movements of the other Evangelions surrounding Lilith. After several frantic minutes of fighting, the pilots had been able to force her out of the base onto the fields surrounding the pyramid. But Mari, riding on Unit 00, had been knocked out of the fight. Ever since she had punched out Lilith, gaining some time, Misato had directed the battle against Lilith from the bridge.

"Shinji, Uri, Mana, maximize your AT-Fields!" Misato yelled through the comms, but Mana could barely hear her over the sound of her blood beating through her skull. Mana screamed incoherently, and put all her effort into crushing the little teenage-looking alien that had killed _too many goddamn people_.

For all her effort, though, Lilith was extraordinarily powerful, standing there in a cage made up of orange octagons. Her face betrayed no anger, no rage, nor even surprise or agitation. By herself, Mana would not have been able to stop her. But with the two other Evas, the cage slowly collapsed inward on Lilith.

As if from a far distance, Mana could hear Shinji screaming at Lilith, "Give her back! Give her back! GIVE! HER! BACK!"

Eventually their combined AT-Fields reached Lilith directly. "Keep going! You're doing it!" Mana thought she heard Misato, but all she could hear was her blood, and her vocal chords straining and straining to convey her hatred. For a fraction of an instant, Mana thought she saw a tremor of sadness pass over Lilith's face. But it disappeared as quickly as it came, and suddenly Lilith began to glow-

There was white.

And it began to fill Mana's vision, but she couldn't close her eyes, she had to keep them open and she had to crush this thing that was going to kill everyone and had killed her friends-

There was white.

And the world began to blur into the color, the other Evas the ground the cockpit melting away as the brightness washed away everything And her throat began to rip and the color reached her and it hurt it hurt more than the grenade Kaji'd thrown more than the surgeries that made her a monster more than anything in her life And Mana couldn't see herself anymore but she felt her flesh peel and the muscles burn away and the bones of her body turn to less than dust turn to nothingness in this color this goddamn color-

There was white.

And there was nothing left to see nothing left to hear nothing left to feel not even her eternal scream of hate or the blood coursing through her brain or the constant pain in her body and this was it no more world no more Mana I am going to die she realized I don't want to die I don't wanttodie Idon'twanttodie Idon'twan'ttodieIdon'twanttodieIdon'twanttodie-

There was white.

* * *

For not the first time in her life, Mana cursed the morning sun to eternal darkness and a multitude of hells when it appeared in her window, waking her. Her liver may have been replaced with a sophisticated bio-mechanical filter, but somehow Katsuragi had succeeded in drinking her under the table. Again. Rolling to her left, and accidentally out of bed, Mana continued her curses. '_Huh,_' she thought in the back of her mind, '_that IS a pretty view of the solar collectors._'

Mana stumbled her way through the apartment, managing not to knock over or break anything. Peeling off her clothes she stepped into a steaming shower. Leaning her body onto her hands on the wall in front of her, she let the water pound down on her. She took some deep, shuddering breaths, trying to clear her mind of the dream.

Another flashback. She got those every once in a while.

'_Been a while, hasn't it? Should have guessed coming back here would trigger something,_' she thought as she began to wash herself.

For quite some time, even before she took the commission from the JSSDF, Mana had been to therapists and psychiatrists. "PTSD," they'd say, "presents a facade to mask her true feelings," or "pushes people away before they can hurt her." Assholes. They smiled pretty at her and called her broken. She wasn't some goddamn porcelain figure who would crack under the smallest pressure. And what if it was a facade? She had saved the whole damn world with it, hadn't she? Who were they to tell her how to live her life?

Getting out of the shower, she toweled off and looked at herself in the mirror. She had never broken. No matter the situation she found herself in, she did what she had to do, and her superiors had recognized that fact, and honored her for it. It was she who had turned the nascent JA-P program in the U.S. from a laughingstock money-burner to one of the key components of Army support doctrine. Mana. No one else.

So what if every once in a while she had nightmares about jumping on a grenade when she wasn't even 10, the helplessness she felt as Iruel showed her her real face, or the terror she had felt at Lilith's destruction? So what if she sometimes couldn't sleep at night without a drink or four, or retched at the smell of LCL? It didn't matter in the long run.

Right?

In the mirror she examined her face. Faint age lines had begun to creep around her features, her hair still a light brown. She stared into her reflected eyes, and could make out the faintest traces of circuitry in the iris of her left. Closing them both tightly, her thoughts were broken by an alarm from her computer terminal. Shaking her head quickly, she threw on her uniform and checked to see what was beeping.

When she clicked on the alert, an older black man, in Army uniform, appeared on the screen. Behind him Mana could see the setting sun. She instantly recognized her unofficial patron in the Joint Chiefs, Chief of Staff of the Army Lt. General Nicholas Beck. Out of courtesy, she saluted. He returned it, and smiled warmly. "Good morning, Colonel. How are you doing?"

"Evening, General. And I'm doing OK. Had a party with Commander Katsuragi yesterday evening." Mana scratched the back of her head absently.

Beck nodded his head sagely. He understood. Misato's reputation for her love of drink was widespread, even outside of Nerv.

"So," Mana continued, "this a social call, sir?"

"Not exactly," he let out a breath. "I'm meeting with the Senate sub-committee on Strategic Forces tomorrow, and they are going to grill the hell out of me about why we've stopped all testing for the JA-Ps. I know you've only had a day, but if you could give me anything to tell them..." he trailed off.

"Nerv is willing to help us troubleshoot," Mana answered.

Becker blinked a few times, then let out a short laugh "Well I'll be damned, Mana! I knew you'd get it done but I didn't think it'd happen this fast! I can't wait to wave this in Obadiah's face later!"

"At the moment, all they want is complete access to all specifications and test data for the units. I don't think it'd be much of an assumption as well to think they'll want to keep a permanent team on hand at Trident."

Beck nodded his head at the information. "That sounds reasonable enough to me, but I'll probably have to finagle with Senator Borgo over the week. Let me know the details before you send the agreement over here, and we should be fine." Mana agreed.

"Now that you've got most of this done, when do you think you'll get back? I'd love to have you at my back by the end of next week for the start of the Services Review," Beck asked.

"Actually, sir, I think I'll be here a while," she blurted out.

Beck turned out his lower lip in thought. "Well alright, Kirishima. Do what you need to do. I know I'd like to spend some time back home."

From off screen, Mana could hear a woman's voice tell Beck it was time to leave for dinner at Admiral John's.

"Ah, well, it's time for me to head out, then," he said. "Good luck with the rest of your time in Japan, Colonel!"

Mana clicked off the call, and sat back in the chair. Why had she asked that? She had seen Tokyo-3, the Geofront, even Kaji, so why had she asked to stay longer? Well, Beck had agreed, so Mana decided to take advantage of it. She could use some time in a big city, she felt.

Standing up, she resumed getting ready. She called Athene and let her know to meet her down in the Geofront. As she stepped out of her door, she stopped. She realized she was still breathing hurriedly. '_Guess that dream screwed me up more than I expected,_' she thought. Stepping back in, she walked to the liquor cabinet and opened it up. Not as well-stocked as her own, but good enough for today. Misato, for all her Yebisu cans, did have a good taste for alcohol. Taking a steel hip flask, Mana poured in a 15-year old whiskey, and then took a deep pull from the bottle herself. She glanced at a clock – 8 AM. Satisfied she'd be set for the day, Mana left for Nerv.

* * *

Getting the 'proper' tour of Nerv was... strange. She hadn't realized it the day before, being set on the meeting first, and then trying to let out some steam afterward. But as she was brought around the base, she had the same feeling as she had had going through Tokyo-3.

Nerv had changed. And Mana felt out of place. Every once in a while when Athene was engrossed in explaining some exciting aspect of the base, Mana would take a drink from her flask.

As she was being led through the windowed hallways that looked over the Eva hangars, she heard a voice behind her call her name. Turning, she saw a man wearing the Nerv pilot's uniform, red in color, and similar to the support crews'.

The first thing she noticed were the lines. The years had etched themselves onto his face, deep gouges on his forehead, his mouth, and his eyes that would have been respectable for a man twice his age. His bearing was strong and upright, though, and she instantly recognized the man from his ash and gold hair.

"Uri?" she said.

He broke out into a wide grin.

"Commander Katsuragi told me you were in the area now. I was hoping I would run into you," he said as he walked up to Mana. "Lieutenant Prideaux," he spoke over Mana's shoulder, "why don't you head to one of the break rooms, I'd like to speak with Colonel Kirishima." Mana turned to Athene, and nodded her head. The young woman nodded, then walked away.

Uriel gestured, and Mana could see that his hands were as weathered as his face. They walked along together. Looking to her left outside the windows, Mana could see far below her the comparatively skeleton crews performing checks on Unit 02. They clambered on scaffolds and metal mesh walkways around the red giant, peering into the armor with equipment. So few, as well, compared to what she remembered.

"I'm glad I caught you before I left," Uri began. Mana turned to face him. "I'm only here to help the standard check up on Zwei, you see," he explained. Heading through a door, they lost sight of the Eva.

"Left for where?" Mana asked.

Uriel continued, "Ah, back to Germany! Annette & I have a farm out near Berlin where we spend most of our time."

"I didn't realize you two had married. Con... congratulations, Uri."

Uriel didn't notice the pause. "Thank you. Kaworu hoped that that we would live in the old manor, considering he decided to give it to us as a wedding present, but instead that is for the more formal gatherings Annette arranges, or family visits." He turned to face Mana. "But what about you? We have greatly missed you!"

Mana resisted the urge to start taking slugs from the flask. "I've been alright. Nothing terribly exciting on my end, I have to admit."

"Nothing exciting? That's not what we've been hearing. I heard you've really whipped the Americans into shape with their mech program – not everyone would have been so successful, I think."

Mana smiled at that. "Thanks. But how is Annette?"

Uriel beamed at her name. "Wonderful! I don't know how she does it, but she somehow keeps me and the boys in line. She makes sure I make all my interviews, my deadlines, everything! That and she still has time to plot. She's incredible, and I have no idea what I would do without her." The two passed into another windowed hallway, this one facing into the hangar for Unit 01. Mana wondered how many damn Nerv people had families now.

"Deadlines?" she asked after a moment.

"Oh, yes! I've begun writing a history of the Angel War, though I'm hoping to rename it in people's minds to 'The War Against Instrumentality.'"

"I hadn't thought of you as much of a writer," Mana said with a small turn in the corner of her mouth.

"Ha! Neither had I, but when I had settled down in Germany, I just had this urge to... get it all down. Without piloting to take up my time, I had to do something, and Annette suggested I write about our experiences."

"Hasn't it been a while since then, though?"

Uriel's mouth turned to a thin line. "As I delved into the creation of Nerv, and Gehirn before it, I ran into the problem of having to explain what had happened before to explain my subject. Before I knew it, I was researching heavily into the surviving records of SEELE. Annette's grandfather Katsuhito was a great help to me in that endeavor before he died. Same with the Keiworu, though I never did get used to having them call me 'uncle Uri'. Those 4 volumes were published, but with very little fanfare. People may like conspiracy theories, but actual conspiracies tend to disconcert them."

They passed into a third hangar, this one occupied by Go-Kun. The hangar seemed so empty to what Mana remembered of the hustle and bustle – crews desperately trying to repair damage before the next Cherubim or Angel attack, working on upgrades, or just making sure the Evas would work.

Mana nodded her head. "But now?"

"Now I can explain what we were trying to do back then. I've already gotten interviews from most of the participants, including the former Commander. You should see my study, it's filled with transcripts and notes I've made."

Mana furrowed her brow, "Wait, you got the Old Bastard to talk?"

Uriel smiled. "Him and his wife. They were actually quite forthcoming when I told them of my project. They've allowed me access to a great number of files and records that should stay classified for the next 40-odd years."

Mana kept her lips tight. "Can you trust them to tell the truth?"

Uriel let out a chuckle, "It's been a while since we were pilots, Mana. I think they've learned what trouble keeping secrets can cause."

Mana stopped walking, and looked out at Go-Kun. Uriel stopped, and looked out as well.

"The base seems a lot quieter than I remember," Mana said.

"I prefer it to the panic we used to deal with," Uriel responded. He hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to put into words his thoughts. "Mana," he began, "while you're here, I think JA-Tan would love to see you. I'm sure Ikari would as well."

Mana continued to look into the hangar. After a few moments, Uriel wondered if she had heard him.

"Mana-"

"I know," Mana said. Uriel turned his whole body to face her. Mana kept her eyes on the window. Uriel was quiet.

The silence in the hallway was broken by the base P.A., in a masculine voice with slightly accented Japanese,"_Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested. Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested._"

Mana did not look at Uriel. "Mana," he let out a deep breath, "we've all missed you since you left, you know."

Silence. Uriel reached out towards Mana when she replied, "Well, who says I missed any of you."

Uriel recoiled. Mana hadn't moved an inch, her face unreadable.

"_Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested. Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested._"

Uriel balled his fists. "I am sorry if I offended you, Colonel," he bit out, "but I must go now." Without another word he walked back the way they had came. Mana continued to stare into the hangar until she heard the door slide close far behind her. Mana screwed her eyes shut, then slammed her fist into the metal wall below the window, embedding it to the knuckle of her fourth finger. She could feel her teeth grinding against each other.

"Fuck!" Mana yelled out. That had not gone like she wanted it to. But the asshole had to mention those two, hadn't he?

Mana looked at her watch – 10:30 AM. She pulled out the hip flask and smiled as she unscrewed it.

It always paid to be prepared.

* * *

Mana was in her element. It had taken some searching after she had left Nerv, but she had found herself one of the dive bars for the lower income workers in Tokyo-3. Now that Nerv no longer ruled over the city with an iron fist, its generally upper-middle class population had been filled out by more and more poorer folks, trying to live the dream.

When that failed, they would come to a place like this. Dark enough so you could feel like you were hidden, and drinks cheap enough you didn't feel you were getting ripped off.

Mana sat in a corner booth, watching the rest of the patrons. Inside her an itch burned. Someone had tried to hit on her earlier, but had relented when she had pointed her finger up, then slowly pressed it down perpendicular into the wooden table until she was in knuckle-deep. No one else had bothered her since.

But why was she here? She felt like shit, sure. '_At least I don't have to hear about everybody's happy fuckin' families here,_' crossed her mind.

Why had she said that to Uriel? She hadn't planned on it, it had just slipped out. And it had been nice to hear about how Uriel had spent his time. He just had to goddamn talk about those two. Maybe that was why she had left, because no one ever saw her by herself, they always saw her in relation to him, or to that damn machine that paraded around as some kind of key to her unconscious. Maybe because when people looked at her back then they all held off and pitied her, like they had Asuka.

Mana hated their goddamn pity.

She rested the sweating glass of beer on her forehead, and felt the water drip down her forehead and along her nose. She had finished the whiskey early on in the day. The itch had only grown stronger with the drink.

Mana fished out the scrap of paper she had shoved into her jacket before leaving Nerv. On it was an address within the city. Mana glanced at her watch once again – 6:52 PM. She felt it was late enough. She drained her beer and walked out into the evening. Although the climate had slowly begun to return to pre-Impact levels, Japan still felt like a sauna in October.

Walking through town to her destination, Mana could barely recognize the city anymore. She hated it now. She had been so happy to see the place, and now that she had, she hated it. Why the fuck had she said she wanted to stay?

After a fairly short walk, Mana arrived at the apartment complex. She was surprised, it hadn't changed at all. She wondered why he would stick around here, but kicked it out of her mind as she entered the complex, and headed towards the particular door.

_708_

Mana knocked on the door. She heard a voice from inside yell "Coming!"

Always considerate, he was. Mana smiled darkly at the thought.

After a moment, the door opened, and there he was – Shinji Ikari. Older now, and looking suspiciously similar to his father, but without the beard. He stood there, his mouth gaping as his memory called up images to match with the woman in front of him.

"Mana?" he finally got out. She looked at his hand, resting on the doorframe – no ring. Perfect. Mana slid in front of Shinji, and breathed into his ear as she pushed him inside, "Hello there. Long time no see."

Mana slid the door closed with her foot.


	4. If I Only

**Chapter 4 – If I Only...**

Mana stood on the concrete outside the Tokyo-3 International Airport. A few dozen yards away lay the squat beige-colored hangar that held her plane. In the distance in front of her planes and scramjets took off and landed. She adjusted the collar of her stiff JSSDF uniform. Kaji had told her it would be comfortable in time, but Mana wished it was comfortable now. She had received it, and her officer's commission, the week before.

It was such a contrast to her first uniform, thrown at her with an M16 when she was 6.

Mana took a breath. Sure, she had had a rank in NHIS and Nerv before, but in one she had been the legal property of the company, and the other was a courtesy. Now she was an honest-to-God officer, under her own name.

She wondered why she didn't feel more proud about it.

Several months earlier, an officer from the U.S. Army had come to talk with her about their idea – a squadron of Jet Alone Primes. But they needed someone with piloting experience to train the candidates, and that someone was Mana.

Colonel Beck had laid out the details to her after she had said she was interested. Mana would be inducted into the JSSDF, then transferred over to the U.S., where the newly-built Trident Base hosted the first batch. There Mana would train the introductory class of 5 pilots in the surprisingly delicate task of piloting a 35,000 ton steel monster.

Beck had been very considerate. Even beyond his professionalism Mana could see he was a good and kind-hearted man. Taking note of her considerable operational independence while at Nerv, he had explained how in her position, the only person she really answered to was herself. Beck was to be her official face to the rest of the U.S. military. The transfer to the JSSDF was there so that it didn't seem as if Nerv was in the heart of the U.S. army. Some people had never forgotten New Vegas. As deep in she had been that day, Mana could understand it.

A small jet passed overhead, the wake flapping at Mana's uniform. The chain link fence that separated the runways proper from where Mana was rattled in sympathy.

This was it. The first step she would take that was of purely her choosing. No one had forced her into this, no one had sold her into it, no. This was her choice.

And today was the day. Mana had her plane waiting for her, and at her convenience she'd be brought over to the States where, after a period of settling in and briefings, she'd begin her task. It wasn't as if Nerv needed her anymore, either – they'd dealt with the remaining bastard Angels and Cherubim and all their assorted bullshit. They'd saved the damn world.

Mana tightened her grip on the handle of her suitcase, containing the entirety of what she was bringing with her. Everything she would need for the first few days over there – a few pairs of clothes, some books Kaji had given her years before, and the ring on her left hand. Engraved with the Nerv logo, it had been made by Kei, who had explained that it held certain keys to open up backdoors into Nerv, but was required to be on a living pilot for it to work. Mana wondered if she would ever use it, now.

She brushed her hair behind her ear with her left hand and looked up at the sky. It was humid, and the sky was ceilinged with layered gray clouds. Just as Mana was about to begin walking to the hangar, she heard a car slow down and pull up behind her, the distinctive crunching sound of tires dragging small rocks across concrete reaching her ears. The engine shut off, and the door opened with a voice calling Mana's name.

Yep, she knew that voice.

Mana turned, and saw Shinji stumble out of his car, a three year old blue domestic model he had bought himself. He righted himself, leaving the car door open. Another jet took off, and passed over the two, drowning out every other sound for several seconds.

Shinji took a few tentative steps forward.

"Mana."

Mana looked the bo- no, the young man over. He had grown into his body, but he still looked a little lanky to Mana. Specks of black on his cheeks showed that he hadn't shaved in a day or two. Dark half-moons gave his eyes a sunken look. And on his hand a ring just like hers.

"What," she said. Her voice was flat.

Shinji was breathing hard. A car sped past them on the road. Mana wondered what was going through his head. She had always tried to figure it out, figure out what anyone was thinking, really, but she had never gotten it.

Shinji licked his lips, and took a few steps forward. "P...please don't go." His words were small, and Mana had to strain a little to hear them.

Mana stared at him dispassionately. She could almost hear his heart pounding through his chest, and his breathing was fast and erratic. Silence hung over them for several seconds.

"Mana, pl-"

"Why."

Her response sent a shot of confusion into Shinji. "What?"

"Why. Why should I stay here."

He was breathing through his mouth now. "Mana, list-"

"WHY. Why the hell should I stay here. Why should I stay in this bullshit?" Mana's voice began to rise.

Shinji was silent.

"Come on! Give me a reason!" Mana was shouting now. "Where everyone looks at me like I'm broken! Where I can't go two days without someone looking down at me and wanting to fucking help me!" Mana had dropped her suitcase, and was now shouting as loudly as she could, and didn't realize it. She marched towards Shinji with rage in her face until she was up to his face. She expected him to cower, but he kept his ground.

She kept yelling. "I don't need their fucking help, you hear me! I'm doing this for myself, for nobody goddamn else! So give me one good reason, Shinji! One good reason I should stay in this fucking place!"

She stared into his face. He was visibly panting, but said nothing for a few stretched out moments. With a frustrated scream, Mana turned around and headed towards the hangar.

"Because I love you."

Mana stopped. In the distance the screeching sound of jet tires decelerating on the tarmac was heard.

After several seconds, Mana turned around, walked over to Shinji, and punched him in the jaw. He stumbled to his knees, blood pattering to the ground, leaving dark red stains on the light gray concrete.

Mana spoke just above a whisper, "God _damn_ you, you liar. You only loved her."

Shinji coughed in response, spitting out part of a tooth.

Mana turned around, picked up her suitcase, and walked into the hangar. There, she presented her credentials, handed her case over, and boarded the jet. Within a few minutes, they had been cleared for take off, and after some time waiting on the runway, the small jet took off, leaving Tokyo-3 for the United States.

And that was that.

* * *

Mana awoke to the sound of birds merrily chirping, the sun shining brightly into the bedroom, and the smell of breakfast in the air. She could have sworn that she heard the sound of flutes. With sleep dissipating, she cursed the world, its Maker, and anyone stupid enough to drink as much as her. '_So, Mana_' she thought as she rolled around in the bed, '_when did you become an alcoholic? Was it after getting blown up and turned into a horrifying mockery of humanity? Or after fighting aliens in god-machines and watching people get turned into puddles of tang?_'

Mana thought it a sad commentary on her life that she couldn't answer that question.

With a groan Mana sat up, and rubbed at her eyes. On the bed stand to her left was a glass of water and two small white pills. Letting out a snort, Mana snatched the aspirin, and with practiced ease dry swallowed them. They would help with the headache in a little while, but until then Mana just had to grin and bear it.

Cracking her neck, she examined the bottom of her left forearm. Dragging her fingers along it towards her hand, a small compartment near the wrist opened up. Mana blinked her eyes a few times, trying to clear up her still-fuzzy vision. Inside was a small cylindrical container, only half an inch long and the same wide, filled with the cocktail of anti-rejection drugs and serums that kept Mana's body from attacking itself. Where it was it would automatically inject Mana with her required daily dosage, with her only needing to keep in mind to replace it when it got low. She had 10 more in her apartment, enough to last for about a month. She remembered when she had been a mobile drugstore, and gave thanks for the advances that had been made since her teenage years. The container was still over half full, the colorless liquid sloshing back and forth slightly. Satisfied she was set for the next day or two, Mana closed the hatch, sending a slight shiver through her arm, the sealing making it look as if there was nothing there at all.

As she was looking down, Mana realized her shirt was different from yesterday. And she wasn't wearing any pants. She felt herself under the baggy shirt she had on – bra and panties were there. Mana ran her hand through her hair. '_Chalk one more up to him_.' She frowned as she realized what must have happened the night before. What a great first impression to make after two decades – showing up drunk at his door and trying to seduce him. At least back then she would have succeeded. She slapped her hand over her face. '_Fuckin' wonderful. 'Mana Kirishima – drunken whore'. That's one way to say hello. 'Hey there! I would say sorry for clocking you last time, but I'd rather if we just had sex to try and fill this terrible hole in me. Sound good?'_'

She looked around the small bedroom. It hadn't changed very much. A small desk butted against the wall near the bed, and on the opposite wall lay the closet. Mana saw that the glass door to the veranda was the main culprit in letting sunlight in. She cursed the lack of blinds. On the desk was Mana's uniform, obviously washed, with a red towel folded on top. Shaking her head a little, Mana got to her feet. To her help, the room decided to stay where it was. Mana grabbed the stack of clothes and stumbled to the bathroom. As she walked through the living room and past the kitchen, she noticed a note on the dining room table out of the corner of her eye. For a moment, she equivocated between reading that first or getting clean. Mana chose getting clean.

In the shower, Mana fell into an old routine. Peeling off her clothes, she flung the old shirt into the hamper. She hung her clean uniform up, then the towel over that. Pulling the shower curtain closed, she ran the water, testing the heat with her hand. When it was hot enough for her, she stepped in. The steam eased the pressure in her temples. Well, that or the aspirin. Without thinking, she grabbed the soap & shampoo from where they had always been. After a short time she stepped out, dried off, got dressed, and walked out like she had so many times in earlier years. Her head felt much better. The smell of food caused her stomach to gurgle in anticipation.

Looking at the table in front of her, Mana walked up to it and picked up the note she had seen before. The handwriting was small and neat.

'Mana – I made you some breakfast, if you feel hungry, but feel free to help yourself to whatever you'd like. I had to get to work, but I'll only be taking a half day, so I'll be back some time after noon, if you'd like to stay.

-Shinji'

Mana read over it a second time. That was it? He said she could stay, but did he want her to? Why? Mana was certain he must hate her on some level, it was part of the reason she had gone to him the night before – the possibility of some rough hatesex. If he wanted her to stay, did that mean he wanted to talk? Mana looked at the stove top. She removed the lid from the lone frying pan on it, and saw (and smelled) still-warm Canadian bacon and scrambled eggs. Her favorite.

Mana narrowed her eyes. Why had he made her favorite breakfast? If he wanted to talk, what in God's name were they supposed to talk about? Was he going to do the same thing Uri had?

What was Shinji thinking?

That by plying her and playing at niceties he might seem like he'd forgotten why she had left, or forgiven her for how she had? In the back of her mind, Mana wasn't certain that she didn't want that.

Her hand tightened on the skillet. She took it and walked over the to the trash, determined to throw it out and leave. She opened the can, and just as she was about to tip the food in her stomach let out a voice of discontent.

Holding the skillet at an angle, Mana contemplated her actions- '_Revenge – food. Revenge – food. Revenge – aw damn it._'

With a sigh, she righted the skillet, grabbed a plate from the cupboard (she still knew where they were) and dumped the food onto it. Slicing some food with the edge of her fork, she speared some eggs & meat and put it in her mouth. She let out a low growl of appreciation. Though not hot, it was still warm enough to be delicious. '_Damn, he does still know how to make it._' Mana had first fallen in love with the meal when she had first gone to New Vegas. A few weeks into their relationship, Shinji had taken the task upon himself to find and make the meal. A task he had completed with aplomb quite quickly. Mana had always wondered at the time if he had learned it for her, or because he loved learning new recipes.

As she ate, Mana's thoughts again wandered to speculations on her absent host. For one, why did he just happen to have her favorite meal right at hand for her impromptu visit? Had Misato told him she was in Tokyo-3? Had Shinji been expecting her? If so, why? Mana's brow knit as as she chewed and thought. After a few bites she got up and poured herself a glass of orange juice from the container in the refrigerator. All these questions were making her thirsty. Well, those and the salt on the eggs.

Finishing the meal quickly, she took the dishes and placed them in the sink. As she sat down at the table, trying to figure out what to do, realization set in and she slapped her forehead. Running back into the bedroom, she saw her cellphone. Opening it up she let out a sigh. 16 new voice mails. 14 from Athene, 1 from Misato, and 1 unknown number. Crap.

She quickly ran through the messages. Athene was just wondering where Mana was – just wondering if she was coming by Nerv today – just wondering if you're alright, Colonel – just letting you know that Commander Katsuragi's wondering where you are as well. Misato's message was short – "_Hope you're not too hungover, Mana!_" Mana could hear the smirk in her voice. "_If you could come by at some point before 5, that would be great! I've got a nice little contract up here, and I think it'd be a good idea for you to look over it before we send it off. Later then!_" The last was just the sounds of someone walking through some kind of crowd for a minute and a half. A miscall.

Mana let out a sigh of relief. She could make that. She sent a message to Misato letting her know she would be there in the afternoon. Checking the clock she saw the time – 11:04 AM. If she wanted to wait for Shinji she had over an hour to waste in the apartment they had once shared. She decided that she would stay. She would apologize for her actions the night before, wish Shinji well, and then be off. She would deal with it, and then be done. She nodded her head as the plan came together. "That's what I'll do" she said out loud. Perfect. She sat down at the table. A snag quickly appeared – '_What am I going to _do_ for an hour here?_'

Mana felt she could occupy herself at the table. She played with spinning some coins on the tabletop, trying to play the bass line to some of her favorite songs by tapping her fingers on the table, seeing how fast she could poke a pen between her splayed fingers on the table, and other diversions. After five minutes, she was out of ideas.

Getting out of her seat, Mana walked around the living room. The furniture in it had changed since she had last seen in – the TV was a newer model, and the leather couch was new to her as well, though obviously lived-in. She smiled, it had been Misato's old alcohol-soaked couch that she and Shinji had first replaced when Misato had moved in with Kaji in their new place.

Mana wandered through the apartment. The bed was in the same condition she had left it in. She wondered if maybe she should make the bed, but decided to say screw it instead. She turned around, and remembered something.

Mana stood in front of the door. A long time ago, it had been the bedroom of Asuka Langley Sohryu. But ever since her death, it had lain empty. Ostensibly a guest bedroom, Mana never knew of a time someone had slept in the room while she had been there. She slid the door open.

Neat. That was the first word that came into Mana's head when she saw the room. The bed was made, everything was dusted, and the shades were drawn halfway. The room looked ready to be lived in, but Mana could never conceive of someone sleeping here. She guessed Shinji had the same idea. Silently closing the door, Mana turned around, and stared at the door across the hall from her.

The storage room. Where it had all started to fall apart. What had set her off? She remembered. The photo album. All those pictures of Asuka and Shinji. That was when she realized he had been using her. Mana found herself checking her time. She had a little bit left. Her feet began making steps towards the door. She would go in, and find it again, and it would still hold the pictures that had made her rage, had hurt her more than anyone else had. And all the old animosity would boil back up, and she would storm out of the apartment, and she would never see Shinji again. And then she could live in the States and be certain that she had never acted unjustly, that she had done the right thing in running.

Mana held her hand on the door. All it would take is one little jerk and it would slide open. She had plenty of time to - _No_.

Mana thonked her head against the frame. Her stomach felt sick. She felt sick. Sick and tired. For a second she wondered if the hangover had come back, but realized that was wrong.

Sighing, Mana walked back to the kitchen, sat down, rested her head on her crossed arms, and closed her eyes. After a few minutes, she hit her fists against the table. She got to her feet, then strode through the apartment, grabbing her last few things.

As she got to the front door, it opened before her. She and the person opening the door let out yelps as they nearly ran into each other. Both looked up and realized who was on each side. And then Shinji and Mana tried to talk at the same time.

"Oh! Hi there-" "Hey, Mana-" Shinji looked over Mana, then back to her eyes. "-were you heading out?-" "-Uhm, I was just-" "-Oh no, it's okay! I-" "-just gonna walk around a bit-" "-just finished my lesson-" "-and come right back-" "-I thought it'd get out earlier-" "-and we could talk." "-and I was hoping we could talk."

Both stopped. Mana resisted the urge to take in a deep breath and try and explain. Instead she looked over Shinji – easier in the day, with the sunlight coming down from the open ceiling of the apartment complex. Her impression last night had been right. Shinji had filled in from the lanky young man she had known, and now looked like a softer-faced version of his father. His simple, dark-blue suit fit well on his shoulders, and he was carrying a cello case.

As she looked at his face, he let out a nervous laugh. "Sooo, mind if I get in the door?" Mana stood for a moment, then replied. "Yes! Sorry." Mana moved back into the apartment, and quickly sat down at the table. She could hear Shinji pull off his shoes, and then he came in. "Let me just put this away," he hoisted the case, "and I'll be right there," he said.

Mana realized she ought to have offered to take the case in, but it was too late to do anything about it. After a few more moments, Shinji came out of the main bedroom, sans coat and tie, and walked towards the table. Mana wondered if she should've waited until he got there to sit, but again realized it was too late to do anything.

Shinji sat down across the corner of the table from Mana, and put his forearms on the top. Mana sat with her back straight, and her arms crossed on her lap. Neither said anything.

Mana was about to start when Shinji began. "It's... it's good to see you, Mana." Mana's hands fidgeted under the table. "Thanks," she replied, "It's interesting being back in Tokyo-3." The words hung in the air.

"So, I just want to say..." Mana started, and Shinji's hands tightened slightly, "...thanks for the breakfast this morning. Er, lunch. Brunch? Brunch." Damn. Not what she had been planning on saying.

Shinji looked at a loss. Not what he had been expecting, either. "Uhm, not a problem! Every once in a while I make that, I thought it was lucky you arrived when you did, I could make you your old favorite. If it still is?"

Mana shifted in her chair. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm still a fan." She was beginning to hate sitting there.

"Ah, so, how have you been?" Shinji said, unbuttoning his shirt cuffs.

"Alright. Nothing very exciting, though. What were you up to?"

"I was giving a cello lesson to one of my students. She's in one of the university's student string quartets. She's very good, I don't know why she still comes to me." He smiled at the self-deprecation.

"Oh. So you still play?"

He grinned. "Every now and again. The Tokyo-3 Orchestra lets me play with them every once in a while, and I teach it at the university. Apparently some people like it."

Mana looked at his hands. "That's good. I, uh, I remember you putting a lot of time into it. I'm glad it paid off."

"Well, I wasn't really doing it so it would pay off for me, I just like how the music sounds."

"Right. Sorry," she said.

"It's alright."

Quiet. The two looked anywhere but at each other. Outside on the street a car horn could be heard. Mana closed her eyes. They were both dancing around. Around what? Around everything, really. And she hated it, she hated feeling like this was the only way she could talk to someone.

Mana turned to face Shinji, who had an intense interest in how his hands lay on the table. "Shinji," she said, and he turned to face her. Mana took a deep breath. '_Time to go out on a limb._'

"I'm sorry about last night. I don't quite remember what I did, but my drunken condition is no excuse for any inappropriate actions I did. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry for impugning on you like I did." Mana closed her eyes. She kept her breathing through her nose.

"Mana, it's- it's alright. I forgive you." Mana opened her eyes and looked at Shinji. He continued, "I'm not sure why you got so drunk, but I do remember some times when we were younger when I did the same." Mana wondered why he didn't mention any of the times she did as well. "I'm just glad I got to see you while you were here. I was really hoping we might catch up. It's been a while and, y'know, I've missed your company."

There. The smallest acknowledgment that the woman he had once proclaimed his love to had been gone for almost two decades. At least it was something.

Mana absently drummed her finger on the table. "Well, uhm. What do you want to know?"

Shinji let out his breath. "Well, I'm sure you're up to something important over in the U.S."

Mana let out a hard breath that could've been a laugh. "Really, Shinji? You know, people over there seem to think I run this crazy training camp that might have come out of 'Full Metal Jacket', but really, I don't do too much anymore. Even in the early years, I mostly made sure that nobody blew themselves or anybody else up. Now one of the older pilots is in official charge, and I just let him know what I think about his choices."

"Well, why do people think of you like that then?"

"Ehh, I may have whipped it all into shape after I got there." Shinji's eyes showed interest. "It was pretty sad when I arrived – they only had virtual trainer pods, and the base they're in now was almost given to Strategic Air Command."

"And you changed that?"

"I changed that."

* * *

They talked. He asked, she answered, then she asked, and he answered. For several hours they exchanged stories about their lives, digging up the funniest, the most courageous, the most how-can-Administration-be-this-stupid? And while they talked of their lives apart, above their heads the unsaid shared past lay. But it laid dormant.

Shinji explained his position. He was technically an adjunct professor at Tokyo-3's National University, teaching cello. On occasion, he performed with some of the orchestras in the area, and even in other cities, including several times at his parents' alma mater of Kyoto University. Because of his Nerv pension, he had no want for cash, though he admitted he never really knew what he could possibly spend it on. So, he explained, he got a lot of gifts for Kei's children, Uriel's, and Hikari's as well. Coincidentally, he was beloved of all the children.

Mana laughed at that. She looked at her watch – about 4 PM. She realized she had to get down to Nerv to sign off on the contract.

"Shinji, I'm sorry, but I really need to go. Misato needs my approval before she sends something off to the U.S."

"Sure, that's alright." Mana started getting up, and he walked her to the door. They stood looking at the door as it opened.

"Say, Mana," Shinji started. She turned to him. "In two days, it'll be 20 years since... since Lilith."

Mana didn't say anything, so Shinji went on. "I'll be heading down to the cemetery to put some flowers by the graves. You'd... You're very welcome to come along. I know Hikari will be there."

Mana licked her lips.

"Sure," she said. Shinji looked like a great load was lifted from his back. "When will you be there?"

"We usually get there around 5 PM."

Mana nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I'll be there." She looked at her watch. "Ok, now I really need to run." She turned to him. "Shinji... it was good talking to you."

Shinji smiled. "It was good talking to you too. I'll see you later then!"

Mana ran off. But she had a small, triumphant smile on her. It hadn't fallen apart, they had been able to talk to each other. She still wasn't sure what was happening in Shinji's head, but after talking with him for that long, she felt less guarded about the whole enterprise.

Maybe she could take something away from this trip.


	5. It Just Takes Time

**Chapter 5 – It Just Takes Time**

Mana woke up, but didn't open her eyes.

She tried to figure out her surroundings. Under her neck was a pillow, propping her head up. She could hear a constant beeping – a heart rate monitor, most likely hers. She heard someone adjust themselves on a chair to her left and yawn. They sounded masculine. Probably Kaji. They began flipping through papers, the distinctive shuffle as pages ran across one another and curved. Every once in a while there was the sound of a pen being dragged across a page.

The room she was in smelled clean. Mana was relieved at that. She could remember the stinging sensation in her nostrils she had felt when she had first woken up after jumping on the grenade, the harsh cleaning chemicals used in the makeshift hospital burning away at her. But here, she could smell the vague cleanliness of fresh laundry, with a faint hint of aftershave or cologne from the man. Yep, definitely Kaji.

Mana then tried to stir, and realized she couldn't move her limbs. In horror, her eyes shot open. She didn't even notice Kaji realize she was awake. He threw the papers out of his hand and went to her. "Hey there, kid-" Mana's words cut him off.

"Kaji. Why can't I move." Kaji's face turned to concern as he tried to explain to Mana. "Mana, it's ok, you just need to calm down." Mana was beginning to hyperventilate as she stared at him. "I am calm. Now why can't I _fucking move, Kaji_." "Mana, your limbs were burned out." He pulled back the covers, and showed Mana a complete set of limbs.

"You've been fitted with these, but we didn't want to sync you with them while you were unconscious." His words sank in, and Mana closed her eyes. She tried to slow down and even out her breathing. "If you want, I can get Dr. Böhm in here in 5 minutes, and we can get you moving in 20."

Mana kept her eyes closed, and took deep breaths, in through her nose, out through her mouth. She could feel Kaji's hand on the curve of her neck and shoulder. His grip was solid, but not painful. "Right," she said without opening her eyes, trying to salvage as much as she could of her pride, "sorry about that."

He paused for a moment. Mana supposed he was smiling. "Don't worry about it, Mana." He pulled the sheets back over her. She opened her eyes, he was standing over the bed. She looked over the hospital bed she was in, could see the outline of her useless body under the sheet. She looked at Kaji. "Could you get him?" Mana finally noticed the hoarseness of her voice, how it rasped against her throat. How long had she been out? Kaji nodded, and jogged out the door.

Mana let out a heavy sigh from her sore chest. '_Fuck, that was embarrassing._'

Mana tried to remember what had happened. She remembered... she remembered a young girl – _Lilith_, the name sprung unbidden from her mind – she remembered the Evas battling, she remembered a scream, and then, a... a white pain? She wondered why she thought of it that way. Colors didn't hurt, did they? An echo of feeling resounded through her mind, and that's what it was.

Mana decided to look around the room. A clock on the wall gave the time – 2:58 PM – but not the date. '_How long was I out?_' she wondered. There wasn't much around her. She could see an IV drip stand, with the clear tube winding downwards until it went under the sheets near her left armpit. Mana shuffled back and forth, and felt the sting as she found the needle moving right above her collarbone. She frowned at that. The doctors couldn't find an easier vein than in her _neck_? Once again, they had had to resort to a central line to keep her alive. Mana always hated them, as she would pick up feelings within her chest, and imagine it to be the tube now connected to her heart. The doctors had told her that wasn't true before, but she still felt it.

The wall to Mana's left was lined with open windows. She could see bright day outside, with only a few clouds, and realized she was outside the Geofront. Every few moments she could hear the omnipresent cicadas. Mana groaned. She always hated how they sounded. She really hoped the Israfim would never find a way to breed with them.

Mana wasn't sure she could handle chirping laser insects.

After a minute or so more, Mana could hear quick footsteps coming towards her door. Kaji opened the door, and smiled at Mana. Behind him followed the tall, broad-shouldered, and graying German Dr. Böhm. He smiled at Mana as well, and she saw he was carrying a briefcase-sized diagnostic tool.

"Hey doc," Mana said.

"Good morning, Miss Kirishima. How are you feeling?" He put the tool on the bedside table. Kaji helped Mana lift her head off the pillow. Böhm pulled out a small wire, and reached behind Mana's neck, inserting it into a small port.

"Tired. That's how I feel," Mana responded, feeling a small charge pass through her body.

"To be expected, from being out like you were," Böhm said, as he began fiddling with some knobs and readouts on his tool. "Now, let's just go through this right quick, and we'll have you up and running about in no time. If you could try to move your left hand, please."

Mana was about to ask how long she'd been unconscious, but quickly forgot it in the routine of synching up to new limbs. She'd move one, Böhm would frown over the readings, deepening the lines on his face, and then would press a few buttons, and ask her to move it again. She would, and he'd smile, and then move on to another. Through this Kaji picked up his papers and started to go through them again.

After 20 minutes, Böhm smiled at Mana. "Ok, we're done. Your limbs are good to go for at least another year and a half." He pulled out the wire from the back of Mana's neck. "Thanks doc. Now when can I get this pulled out of me?" She pointed to the central line. Her arm had a strange heft to it, but she chalked that up to not being used to it yet.

Böhm picked up the diagnostic tool. "Ah yes." He put his finger up, as if to explain something. "I don't know." Mana's mouth drew into a thin line. "I just do your artificial limbs, Miss Kirishima. What I can do, though, is get Dr. Yoshitada. She'll know the answer." Mana nodded. "If you could?" Böhm gave a thumbs up. "Of course I can, Miss. Have a good day!" He left.

"Feeling better now?" Kaji asked once the door was closed. Mana looked at him and nodded her head. "Yeah." Kaji grinned and put his pen in his pocket. "Good to hear." "Still sore though." "Well, we can live through that, can't we?" They both smiled at that, and were quiet for a few minutes.

"Kaji," she said. "Hrm?" he replied. "How long was I unconscious?"

His grin dropped, and he looked at his watch. He rubbed the back of his head. "Well, about 3 weeks. It's November 8th today." Mana dropped her head on the pillow, and grimaced as the needle in her neck pinched at the movement. "Woah, hey, you alright?" Kaji asked. Mana was quiet for a moment.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok. I just- I just don't really remember what happened." Kaji took her left hand in his own. "Don't worry about it," he said, "the doctor'll be here in a few minutes, and we'll deal with that then. Just, take it easy."

Mana looked him in the eye, then at the tube. "I really don't think I can do much else until then, Kaji."

Kaji laughed. "I realized that as I was talking."

Kaji sat on the edge of her bed, and Mana got a good look at his profile. She noticed the lack of stubble on his cheeks. "You go out on a date while I was under? How devious and underhanded of you." She expected a smile, but instead his brow furrowed. "What's up?" she asked. Kaji opened his mouth when there was a knock on the door.

It opened to reveal a middle-aged Japanese woman in a coat, with short black hair and dark tanned skin, holding a small PDA. "Ah, Mana, it's good to see you awake," she said, "I'm Dr. Yoshitada. I've been in charge of your case since you got in." She offered her hand to Mana. Mana looked at the hand as if it had started singing, shook it, and then looked back at Yoshitada. The doctor smiled at the courtesy.

"So, Dr. Böhm said you were wondering about the IV drip."

Mana nodded. "Yeah, when can I get this thing out of me. I was never a huge fan of having tubes connected to my heart that reach outside my body."

Yoshitada checked her PDA for a few seconds. "Well, I can understand that, but we were limited in options with the IV drip. And as much as I would love to see you up and running, I need to make sure you're alright for it." She tapped at the screen as she talked. "You gave us all a bit of a fright. And for what happened when you were unconscious, I just want to make sure you're fine."

"What happened while I was unconscious? I mean, beside being in a coma."

Yoshitada continued speaking to her PDA, and twisted her mouth a little. "That, I'm not too sure about. You had some weird brain patterns, inconsistent with most coma patients."

"Is that bad?" Mana asked. She wondered if the doctor would ever speak to _her_.

"I really have no idea. Well, at least you're awake now, so that's a good sign!" Yoshitada finally looked over the PDA to Mana and grinned. Mana did not feel very reassured about her condition. She decided not to tell her about the memory issue.

"Don't worry about the drip. We'll take the line out tomorrow, and then I'd like to keep you in observation for the next day or two, just to keep an eye on you. Does that sound alright?"

Mana thought about it for a moment. She could see out the corner of her eye Kaji looking at her in that 'you really ought to do what she asks' way he would do every now and again to make Mana listen to authority. She let out a defeated sigh. Misato was right, he _did_ look like a stern & sexy school principal when he did it. She'd have to tell her over a beer when she got out.

"Yeah, I suppose I can wait a little while longer."

"You can move around with it, just be careful, and try not to fall." Yoshitada finished pressing some keys in her device. "Alright, the nurse will be by in about 20 minutes to do a small check up. If you have any questions, just let me know." She smiled, then walked out of the room.

Mana slowly turned her head to Kaji. "She's... not the most personable doctor I've ever met," Kaji shrugged. "She works for Nerv for a reason?" he ventured. Mana snorted. "It's because any hospital she was in folded. I bet the Japanese government offered her to Nerv so that there could still be some general practices left."

Kaji chuckled. He was idly flipping through his work, checking his notes. Mana tried to get a look at them. "Been busy while I was sleeping, huh?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

The conversation died. After a while a nurse came in, and did a few simple tests on Mana – blood pressure, reactions, and the like. They wrote down the information, and then walked out. Kaji continued going through the seemingly endless stack of paper in his chair.

"So Kaji," Mana said. He looked up at her. "What happened?" He let out a breath between his teeth.

"What do you remember, Mana?"

"I... I remember fighting in the Ree-tron. I was with Uri and Shinji. There was a... there was a young girl. I killed her. I killed her." She trailed off. And she thought she was done with killing kids. Kaji was by her side again, and Mana finally wondered just how long he had been sitting there by her bed, waiting for her to wake up.

"That was Lilith. Or at least, an aspect, or some kind of avatar. It killed a lot of people in the base. You stopped it from killing more." He had his hand on her arm, but it felt different from when it was on her neck. Mana wondered how long these limbs would take to feel natural.

"How many?" she asked. She didn't want to hear the answer. She didn't want to hear the answer. She didn't want to hear the answer.

"About 300 personnel. Including Asuka, Rei, and her sisters." He looked at Mana, but Mana stared ahead of her.

"How are Shinji an-"

"Uriel woke up two days ago, and Shinji's still out. I wouldn't worry about them, they've got people looking out for them."

"Oh," she said.

Kaji waited for more. But then his phone went off. He cursed when he saw the message. "I'm sorry, Mana, but the Commander needs me for something. I'll let people know you're awake - I know Mari'll be thrilled to see you." He leaned in and kissed the top of her head. "It's good to have you back," he whispered into her hair. As he went for the door, Mana spoke.

"Could you not let anyone know about... about what happened when I woke up?" He looked back at her and gave his trademark smirk. "What would I tell them? Nothing happened." He opened the door and left.

Mana was left in the empty room. She didn't know what to think about what Kaji had said. She'd lost comrades before, but...

Rei – dead?

Asuka – dead?

Mana stared at the ceiling. And for a long time, she didn't think of anything at all.

* * *

"Hello, Mana? Mana, are you there? Earth to Mana? Lights are on, but nobody's home?" Misato asked. When Mana didn't respond, she struck a pose of despair. "I knew it! I knew that legal paperwork would kill someone eventually! But why did it have to be Mana!"

Mana shook her head vigorously, trying to remember where she was. She was in a conference room, that's right! She looked up, and saw the smiling face of Misato leaning in just a little too close. Mana blinked a few times as she stared into Misato's eyes.

"Sorry about that. Forgot where I was for a moment. I'm awake," Mana said, shuffling a few random papers on the table around, "I swear."

"Not a problem if you weren't. But what do you think?" Misato gestured to the comparatively short draft of the contract on the table. For the past 45 minutes the two had gone through each clause, making sure the language was broad enough so that Nerv could actually help, but limited enough so that there would be no questions about who was in charge once the techs arrived in the States. Misato had constantly stolen surreptitious glances at the clock.

Mana rubbed her eyes. "It looks fine to me. Like I said before, just send this off to General Beck's personal office, and we should all be fine."

"Perfect then," Misato said while stretching, "we'll get this sent off, and we can call your mission a great success!" Mana smiled at that, "Was there really any doubt?" Misato threaded her arms through her jacket. "No not really, but are you going to turn down the accolades?" Mana twiddled her pen against her temple and thought for a moment as Misato got ready to leave. "No, probably not." Misato laughed at that.

Mana leaned back in her chair, throwing papers together into small piles every now and again. "So what's with the rush?" Mana asked. Misato let out a slight sigh at the question. "Well, you remember Shiro, correct?" Mana raised an eyebrow, "You mean your little lech of a son, who spent most of the time I was at your house staring at my chest?" She raised her voice an octave, "Why, how ever could I forget such a charming young boy?"

Misato frowned. "I swear he gets that from his father, not me. Well, he's got student-teacher conferences tonight, where we get to talk to his teachers from his classes, and they get to tell us how bad we all are as parents."

"I've got a hunch that isn't going to happen, Misato. Your kids looked like they're going to turn out all right. Even Shiro."

Misato stopped frowning at that, "Thanks Mana." She got to the door. Mana was desultorily packing her things away. "Mana." Mana's head whipped up to look at her.

"We'll see you again, before you leave?" Misato asked.

"Yeah. Yeah." She paused for a moment. "I'll be at the memorial." Misato beamed at the answer.

"Great! We'll see you then!" She waved to Mana as she left the room, yelling out "Later!"

Mana slumped in her chair. She felt drained. And she had no idea what she should do tonight.

Picking up her phone, she idly went down her list of contacts. '_American. American. German expat in DC-2. American. Canadian. Brazilian. American. Senegalese expat in Minneapolis._' Looking at some of the names, she wondered why she even _had_ their number. They had never called her, nor she them. And it wasn't as if any of the people she did like would be in Tokyo-3.

She scrolled down until she hit P...

Mana let out a sigh. '_Beggars can't be choosers?_'

A few minutes later, Athene came through the door, cheerful as ever. Mana took the small briefcase with her papers, and handed it to her. She took it almost reverently, even though the papers inside were about how much a Nerv tech might get paid for picking around the inside of a giant robot.

"Athene," Mana said, "where might it be Ladies' Night tonight?"

* * *

The pair arrived at an "Irish Pub" dubbed Callanan's, complete with un-ironic shamrocks on the sign, located on the outskirts of Tokyo-3. The sun was beginning to set behind the mountains ringing the city. Clear enough, the establishment had a small A-frame chalkboard set up on the sidewalk, proclaiming in multi-colored letters that that evening was, in fact, just for the ladies, starting at 7 PM! And not just the Japanese ones, either – all the signs were also in English, German, and Spanish. Mana knew an expat bar when she saw one.

They entered inside, and got a small booth. Mana was glad when she saw that there was a dinner menu. She hadn't had anything substantial since the meal at Shinji's place.

Around them off-duty Nerv employees loitered, got their own dinners, tried to pick up dates, and all the other wonderful and traditional activities of good pubs. And restaurants. Mana supposed this was some weird chimera until later in the evening, when the diners would be kicked out for the pure drinkers. As Mana read through the menu, trying to decide on something, she heard at least 5 different languages. After a little time, Athene closed her menu. "So, Colonel, what do you think you'll get? I highly recommend the flank rib steak."

Mana was flipping between the pages. She looked at Athene, "I think I'll get the... wait, they have fried chicken here?" Athene nodded her head, "Oh yes, and not the Japanese kind, either. It's quite delicious." Mana closed her menu, and as their waitress came by they made their orders. As Mana was about to talk, a small group of Nerv techs walked by. One of them noticed Athene, and they called out to her and came by, saying their hellos.

"So, it seems like you've come here a lot?" Mana asked after they had left.

Athene nodded. "Yes, I suppose you might call this place my haunt. My apartment is nearby, and it's nice to spend time with other foreigners." Mana raised an eyebrow. Athene shook her hands in front of her. "No no! Not like that. It's just... I miss the sound of French sometimes. And when I come here I can speak my native tongue, or at least English." Mana nodded her head.

"You like working at Nerv?"

Athene nodded her head speedily. "I only started a few years ago, but I am quite happy here."

"How'd you start?" Mana asked as they received their drinks. Rum & coke for Athene, and Yebisu for Mana.

Athene looked towards the table. "Oh, you don't want to know about me. I'm pretty boring."

"Come on, Athene." Mana reached across the table and pushed her in the shoulder. "I've been here for what? 3 days? And I know barely anything about you. So out with it." Mana smiled with her question, trying not to interrogate her. At least, not too much.

"Well, uh. How much do you want to know?"

Mana grabbed her drink. "Wherever you want to start. However, before that – cheers!" They knocked their drinks together. Athene took a deep drink through the thin green straw in her glass.

"Well, let's see. My family is from Brittany. I was born in 2010, the fourth of five children. I got a B.A. in Philosophy at the Sorbonne, though when I went to the University of Lyon in 2030, I did my Master's thesis on the relevancy of Emmanuel Levinas' thought to Metaphysical Biology. From there my director recommended I apply for a position at Nerv, and 4 years ago I got here!" Athene took another drink, keeping her eyes on Mana. Their food arrived, Athene crossed herself, and they began eating.

Mana nodded her head. "Interesting. Now why would Misato have you escorting someone like me around?"

"Oh oh oh, I don't usually do this kind of adjutant work. Only for the most important visitors." She leaned in conspiratorially, "Most of the time I'm actually working on my research. I figure two more years of writing, and I'll have a doctorate in Metaphysical Biology waiting for me in Kyoto."

Mana laughed. "And Misato knows?"

"Oh yes! Commander Katsuragi was the one who got me in touch with the Doctors Ikari. They find my approach to the field very interesting."

"How so?" Mana was genuinely interested now.

"Well, considering the... creation of the souls inside some of the Evangelions, they find that my approach, using Levinas' theory of identity to be a new way of looking at the event. I remember the first time I told them about it, and err," she tried to differentiate between the two, "-Gendo, said that as long as I stayed away from Deleuze & Guattari, I would bring a new perspective to the field." She smiled awkwardly. "They're really nice to me. And they don't hold anything against me, either, which is so nice."

Mana swallowed a piece of chicken. "Now why would they hold anything against you? I'm not going to lie, you're probably one of the sweetest people I've met since I got here."

Athene's smile wavered, then failed. She put her knife and fork down on her plate.

"I, well, uhhh, I was in a relationship with their son, not too long ago."

Mana was in the middle of taking a swig from her bottle. When she heard that she stopped for a moment, then forcefully put the bottle on the table and began coughing beer out of her lungs.

"Oh no! Are you alright, Colonel?" Mana put her hand out as she coughed, then hit her chest a few times. "I'm fine," she croaked, "just went down the wrong tube."

After a few more moments of trying to cover up her reaction, Mana asked Athene, "So uhh, Shinji Ikari?"

Athene let out a long sigh, and her eyes were pointed somewhere behind Mana's shoulder's. "Yeah. Shinji."

Mana was at a loss. "Um, how'd you two meet?"

Athene let out a light laugh. "You know, that's kind of a funny story. My second year at Nerv, we had a celebration party for the retirement of Dr. Hikaru of Section Three. And I guess Commander Katsuragi had invited Shinji to it. Some of the older hands said that he would occasionally drop by to visit his sisters, and that every once in a while Commander Katsuragi would try and pair him off with someone at Nerv, but I thought that was just a silly rumor." She laughed at that. "But I guess they were more right than I realized. During the party I was introduced to him, and we started talking. He asked if I wanted to get coffee at some point, I said yes, and it kind of went from there."

Mana finished off her beer and meal. "Aaaand, I take it it didn't work out?"

Athene was twiddling her thumbs. Mana tried to backstep, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ask you-"

"No!" Athene said, "It's ok. I just... It's been about a year since we broke up, and I've been thinking about him a lot lately." Mana was silent. "It's sad, I remember the last fight we had, but I don't even remember what it was about. Isn't that stupid?"

Mana had a second beer in her hand, and slid across the wooden table another rum & coke to Athene.

Both were quiet.

"If it makes you feel better," Mana began, "I've been in relationships like that. At the time you get so mad, so wrapped up in this one issue, that it rips apart what you have with the other person. And then what?" Athene was looking at her intently. "You look back at it later, and you can't even remember why you did it. Sure, you might remember some post hoc reason, but you don't remember the moment, and you wonder why it happened like it did. Why you acted so _stupid_."

Mana looked up at Athene, who was looking straight in her eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be giving out advice," Mana said. "No no!" Athene protested, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be in a funk like this. And I swear I'm usually much better at not being so dumb and depressed!"

"Athene, you're not dumb and depressed. Trust me."

Athene smiled warmly. "Thank you Colonel." Mana chuckled. "You know, you _can_ call me Mana."

"Ah, but I am your adjutant here, and that means I must always be ready to-" "Fine," Mana cut her off, pointing across the table to Athene's nose, "then I order you to RELAX around me."

Athene stared at the finger. "I think I can do that."

For the rest of the evening they kept to fairly light topics, getting more and more inebriated as the evening wore on. When Ladies Night began, a group of women formed around Athene, friends of hers. She introduced Mana to them all, and they spent the night shooting the shit. Mana found it more enjoyable than she had expected.

* * *

Three weeks since the funeral.

It had been held at a small Lutheran church, a surprise to the irreligious Mana, but she supposed that was Pieter's idea, not Kyoko's.

It had been tough. The Ayanami sisters had had a brief non-religious memorial session just a few days before, and not many people had yet recovered from that.

Mana had sat in the back pews, watching Hikari as she quietly sobbed at Shinji's side. Shinji hadn't said much since he had woken up, two days after Mana had. There hadn't really been much for him to say. Or maybe too much.

In the very back of her mind, Mana felt a little jealous of the dead. '_This won't happen when I die._'

But now that the memorials were over, people were trying to get on with their lives. Any which way they could.

Mana stood in front of the apartment door – 708. Misato and Kaji were out that evening, and earlier that day Misato had asked Mana to keep an eye on Shinji. It was about 8:30 in the evening, and Mana was bored with flipping through the TV stations.

She knocked on the door, and waited for a response. Quiet. She knocked again. Still nothing. Mana frowned. She hit the buzzer. Finally she heard uneven footsteps behind the door.

The door opened, showing a bedraggled Shinji. Mana looked at him. "So when did you hit Misato's stash?" she asked. He studied her for a moment. "Since Misato left with Kaji," he replied. Mana could smell the combination of Yebisu and Kirin on his breath. "And you didn't think to invite me? For shame, Shinji." She walked into the apartment, past Shinji.

Keeping an eye on him didn't mean she couldn't get drunk with him.

Walking into the kitchen, she opened the lock on the private stash. Pen-pen warked at her. "Oh fine, here's your usual fee," she remarked, throwing him a can of Apostel Weisse. He warked happily, then waddled back to his refrigerator. She pulled out three cans of it for herself, along with a roll of paper towels. She went to the living room, and sat on the couch next to Shinji, who was nursing his fifth can.

Mana opened her first can, and took a deep draught of the pint. Ah, German wheat beer. Delicious. The 14% ABV didn't hurt, either.

For some time they just sat there, drinking.

"You know," Shinji began, on his 7th beer, "I keep expecting them to show up."

Mana looked over her can at him. "Hrm?" He continued to stare at the coffee table in front of him.

"It's like- I can't imagine that they're actually... _gone_. I keep expecting to see Rei's head pop out of a wall grate, or Zyuu grope me, or Nana to blow something up, and, and..." he stopped. Mana put her can down, finished, next to the paper towels.

"I look around the city, and when I see red, my heart leaps inside my chest, because, because, it might just fucking _be her_."

Mana kept her eyes on Shinji's. He looked worn. Her head felt light.

"And then, I rush over, only it's just a sign, or someone's clothes, or something completely different, and how could I be so stupid as to think that she might come back because she's _DEAD_ now goddamnit!" He threw the half-empty can at the wall with a yell. It left a light brown spray against the wall. His hands were balled into fists. Mana got ready to stop him from tearing the apartment apart.

But that wasn't necessary. He fell back onto the couch, held his head in his hands, and began weeping. Huge, wracking sobs rocked his body. Mana took the paper roll, and ripped off a few sheets. She shifted over right next to Shinji, and handed him the towels. He took a handful and began blowing his nose, and trying to stop the flow of tears. Mana put her arm around his shoulders, and he leaned into her. Every once in a while Asuka's name would come up, or one of his sisters.

They stayed like that for a while.

After he had calmed down a little, Mana asked him "You want some water?" Shinji kept his eyes closed, but he nodded. "Okay, I need to get up, then." He got himself sitting straight, letting Mana off the couch. She walked back to the kitchen, and got a glass of water. As she turned around, she saw Pen-pen stick his head out of his fridge. "I think he'll be ok," she whispered, "he needed to get that out of him." The bird squawked as it nodded its beak.

Mana placed the glass down in front of Shinji, and sat back down next to him.

"Sorry about that," he said.

"What are you sorry for?"

Shinji took in a breath. "This."

Mana put her arm around his shoulders again. "Don't be," she said, "it just means you cared for them."

He let out a clipped laugh, "I probably got snot all over you, sorry about that."

She chuckled. "That's why I got those towels. It's what Kaji did for me."

They were quiet, but it felt comfortable. "What time is it?" Shinji asked. Mana checked her watch. "About 10."

He closed his eyes. "I think I'm done for tonight."

"Then let's get you to bed, come on." Mana helped Shinji to his feet. They hobbled over to Shinji's room.

Whn they got inside, Shinji fumbled at taking his pants off. Mana sighed, then helped him undo his belt and shirt buttons.

"Sorry," he said.

"Not like I haven't undressed a drunk man before," Mana replied. When she undid his top button, she realized he was staring at her. She raised her face, and looked him in the eye. They weren't that different in height, he was maybe a quarter of an inch taller.

His hands moved to her shoulders, and he drew her in and kissed her. Her mind stopped for a moment as it tried to figure out what was happening. After a few seconds, he drew back. Mana stood still, blinking in confusion.

"You're drunk," she said, "we shouldn't do this."

"Please don't go."

She thought back to when she had kissed that other Shinji, how she had envied the idea of a normal relationship with him.

"You're drunk."

"Not anymore." He leaned in and kissed her again, harder this time. She had to make a decision, she had to pull back-

Shinji's hands pulled her close to him. They broke the kiss. Mana was breathing hard. "Ok," she said.

After a few minutes of fumbling in the dark, their clothes were on the floor and they were in Shinji's bed.

"Sh-Shinji," Mana said, nervous as all hell, her voice dropping to a whisper, "this is my first time."

He kissed her. "Alright."

Mana thought she heard Asuka's name, but it could have just been his heavy breathing.

The next morning, Mana left before Shinji woke up. And although they didn't talk about what had happened, they began to spend more time together after that. A few months later, they were dating.


	6. Angels

**Chapter 6 – Angels**

_October 15, 2017_

Mana walked down the corridors of the Geofront, quiet and somewhat subdued. She hadn't slept well the night before. She passed by other Nerv workers, trying to get to her test. Her stomach felt unwell; she wasn't sure if it was because she hadn't eaten anything that day, or if eating would just make it worse. She stopped at a T-intersection, and leaned against the wall, enjoying the first flash of cool metal against her cheek. She stood there for a few moments, tuning out the world around her.

"H-hey, Mana."

Mana opened her eyes and turned around when she heard the voice.

"Hey there, Asuka," she said, "what are you up to?"

Asuka held her PDA with both hands, her fingers playing across the back of it. "W-well, I've got a quick test to run with Zwei, b-but after that I'll be there for your test with the Ree-tron."

Mana smiled, "Cool."

"What a-about you? You're kind of early."

Mana scratched behind her ear. "I don't know. I think I might go and get something to eat, first."

They stood there for a moment. Besides them, there was no one nearby.

"Say, Asuka," Mana started, trying to put her thoughts into words, "uhh, about the whole 'fighting you for your boyfriend' thing, no hard feelings, right?" Mana tried to read Asuka's face to see what she should say, but decided to just keep going. "It's just, you're... you're a good friend of mine, and- and I'd hate to lose that. I won't actually try and break him in."

Asuka smiled at Mana. "D-don't worry about it. I t-trust you and Shinji. A-and if anyone is going to break him in," she smiled evilly at this, "it's going to be me."

Mana broke out in a grin, and hooked her arm around Asuka's shoulders. "Now that's what I'm talking about!" Mana tapped her finger against her lips. "You know, I've still yet to see your little sex tape." Asuka blushed while Mana laughed. "I wouldn't have thought you two would go through with it. But once Rei told me, I was floored. Good initiative, there!"

"I-it w-w-was mutual, I-I'd say."

"You're one of the best-looking girls in T-3, Asuka, of course it was."

Asuka got out of Mana's arm, still blushing. "O-ok, I need t-to run now."

"Alright then, I'll see you later Asuka." Mana waved as the redhead took the branching path. Mana decided to head straight, towards the cafeteria, hoping that maybe it was just hunger.

That was the last time Mana saw her.

* * *

"Have I ever mentioned that you're amazing, Mana?" General Beck said, "I mean really, this is wonderful. This contract'll be the easiest sell I've ever made to the Armed Forces Committee."

Mana was listening again to a recording left on her phone overnight.

"I swear, I pointed it out to Obadiah, and he just about blew his top off! Haha! When you get back we need to celebrate." There was a pause. "Alright now, I've got to start compiling reports for the Services Review, but don't be afraid to give me a call. I hope you're having a great time now, and Lara sends you her love. We'll have a dinner when you get back. Bye now!"

Mana clicked off the phone, and fell backwards onto her bed. She had spent the day after her night out with Athene wandering the city. Just like before, it had felt strange. The university was completely new to her, and she had been surprised walking around its fairly nice campus. Much more of the city was occupied, with only a small number of buildings still able to retract into the Geofront. The little noodle shacks and favorite places were gone, though, run over by the growing city.

Tokyo-3 wasn't her place anymore. It had moved on.

But Mana had to put that out of her thoughts for the day; it was the day. October 15, 2037. 20 years since... a lot of things, really.

She wondered if the graves had changed at all since she had last seen them. That had to have been in 2019. Or was it 2018? She ran over it in her mind. The last time she was there was 2019, but it had been the 2018 gathering that had stuck in her mind.

* * *

Mana was sitting in the Nerv cafeteria, one of only a few other patrons, slowly pecking away at the meal in front of her. She wasn't very hungry. She hadn't known what to expect from the anniversary a few days earlier, but what had happened was not what she had expected.

'_Where have you taken her? Where have you taken her?_'

She shuddered at the memory of Pieter's voice. He had always seemed so strong to her, like an older version of some of her old comrades, able to bear any weight. She had always admired their fortitude, wanting it for herself, so that all her problems would just crash on her implacable will. To see Pieter crumple to his knees had set a weight in her stomach. She had been even more surprised to see Dr. Sohryu pull him from the ground – the woman had always seemed averse to any kind of public physical contact.

Maybe that was why she had been apprehensive to go, because although she had gone to funerals before, she had never gone back to the markers afterward. What was she supposed to do there? Hadn't she mourned? Couldn't she move on with her life now? Especially now that the war looked like it was over?

Her thoughts were broken when Mari sat down across the table from her. The other girl's eyes were focused on Mana.

"Hey Mari, what's up?" she said.

Mari examined Mana, then looked around the room. Satisfied that the others were far enough away, she leaned over the table partway.

"I'm going to seduce Uri this weekend."

Mana began coughing on the bite of rice she had just eaten. After a few moments to regain her composure, she looked at Mari, trying to catch a sign she was messing with her.

"Why?"

"Because I'm attracted to him, that's why. And that little bitch has been leading him on for the past few months."

"You mean Annette?" Mana said. Mari's face scrunched at the mention of her name, and her gaze lowered to the side. "I dunno," Mana continued, "it looks like Uri's been going after her. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Mari shot back to Mana. "She's worthless! What does she have that I don't? If that idiot isn't going to notice me on his own, then I will strap him down and ride him like a horse until he can't see straight!"

Mana could see the far off look in Mari's eyes as she spoke. "Look, Mari, why don't we have a... Girl's night out instead. Like we usually do?"

"You mean go to shitty bars and get wasted until I drag you to a club and you shoot everyone down by saying you have a boyfriend? Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun." Mari sat back down and crossed her arms over her chest.

Mana felt a little wounded. She had thought Mari had liked hanging out with her those nights. Mari had certainly found enough to do while Mana paid far too much for bad mixed drinks. Though she had heard a few of the screaming matches Mari had had with her father about their nights out.

"I don't think this is a good idea, Mari," Mana said after a few seconds.

"Why not?"

Mana was sick of trying to be nice. "Well for one, didn't you ask him about something like this a few months ago? And didn't he shoot you down then? And secondly, you think he's going to be in the mood to _fuck_ less than two weeks after the memorial? You think that's appropriate at all?"

Mari slammed her fists on the table, causing small sparks to dance on the surface and shock Mana.

"First of all, you did the same damn thing with your little boy toy, only you did it before her body was cold, so don't you try and lecture me about what's appropriate. And second, she was my goddamn sister too. So fuck you!" She shouted the last at the top of her voice. The other Nerv workers gave glances over to the two.

Mana was clenching and unclenching her fists under the table. "That... that's not what happened," Mana said. Mari didn't reply, as she got up, and stormed off.

That had not gone well.

Two weeks later Mari apologized to Mana, but they never did have another Girl's night out together.

* * *

Mana looked at herself again in the mirror. She hadn't expected to wear her full dress uniform, but habit had made her pack it as well, and it had turned out for the best.

As she was about to leave her apartment, her hand hovered over the handle. She threw a glance back at the liquor cabinet, but shook her head sharply and walked out towards her car.

At the Tokyo-3 graveyard, just outside the city, it was just another day. One of the legacies of the vast casualties of Second Impact, it spread like a stain across a huge area. Various persons silently made their way through the forest of black memorials, not seeing anyone else, each lost in their own thoughts, their own memories.

Mana wandered through the field, trying to remember where the markers were. She checked the time – she had about half an hour. She stopped, and tried to get her bearings. To her left she could see a family of five (she noticed that the spouses looked younger than her) putting some flowers on two markers. She wondered what their story was, and how they had been connected to those graves. Grandparents? Other relatives?

"Mana," she heard from behind her. She turned around and saw Shinji, carrying in his arms a large collection of varied bouquets.

"Hey there," she said, "you're early."

He chuckled, "I tend to be." He motioned to the distance with his shoulders, "shall we?"

The two walked between the silent rows, with the sun beginning to set the horizon on fire. As they did, Mana looked Shinji over – he worse just a simple black ensemble, and Mana could see the slight brown dull that had settled on his shoes. He had 8 bouquets, each of them different, but all vital with color. Seeing them, Mana hoped she hadn't somehow forgotten that she was supposed to bring something herself.

After a few minutes, they got to the row. Mana picked out of the group the nine markers they were there for. There were already a few people there – a collection of adults and children.

More families. Mana wondered if there was some kind of aphrodisiac in the water.

"Mana?" one of them asked. A woman, about her age with brown hair, and the voice was really familiar...

"Hikari?" Mana replied. Before she could say another word she was having the air squeezed out of her in a hug. After awkwardly patting the other woman on the back, Mana was released.

"Uhh, long time no see, huh?" she said.

"Shinji had told me you were in town, but I guess I didn't really expect you to come." Hikari seemed to realize what she had said. "It's really great to have you here, though!"

Mana gave an unenthusiastic smile, "Thanks." A cry was heard in one of the families, and both looked over.

"Sorry Mana, I need to help Touji for a second. But we'll talk after this, alright?" With that, she was off.

Mana could see Kei and Kaworu with their pair of adolescents, and looked over at Hikari's loud brood, reaching from young man to child.

'_God, family life is strange._'

At 5 PM, more people showed up. Misato & Kaji, the Doctors Ikari, and the Sohryu clan including, to Mana's surprise, Uriel and his family. She also saw Mari, but she didn't look a day over 18. It unsettled her. With the Ikaris was a young woman Mana hadn't seen before.

People milled for a few moments, shaking hands and giving small greetings, until the elder Sohryu patriarch cleared his throat. At that the gathering was quiet. As well as they could they made a tight semi-circle in front of the 8 markers, with Pieter in front. Kyoko held his left hand.

For a minute, he was silent. But then he began speaking, more to himself than to the people around him. As he spoke, Mana read the markers. Only lightly weathered, she could easily read the words on them.

"Unser Vater in dem Himmel,"  
**Nana Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"dein Name werde geheiligt."  
**Hatchi Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"dein Reich komme."  
**Siyon Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"dein Wille geschehe,"  
**Kiko Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"auf Erden, wie im Himmel."  
**Zyuu Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"Unser täglich Brot gib uns heute,  
und vergib uns unsere Schulden,"  
**Iti Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"wie wir unsern Schuldigern vergeben.  
Und führe uns nicht in Versuchung,  
sondern erlöse uns von dem Übel."  
**Rei Ayanami, 2000 - 2017**  
"Denn Dein ist das Reich und die Kraft  
und die Herrlichkeit in Ewigkeit."  
**Asuka Langley Sohryu, 2001 - 2017**

"Amen."

With that said, Uriel handed Pieter & Kyoko a calla lily, which they placed at the foot of Asuka's marker. Others followed their lead, placing their gifts at each. Mana tried to make sure no one noticed that she hadn't brought anything.

A few minutes passed with little said. Mana could understand silence.

A few more passed before the gathering began to break up. Mana looked around and saw Shinji talking with Kaworu, Hikari with Misato, and so on. She realized that this was one of the few times everyone was in the same hemisphere, if what Uriel had told her was true.

"Colonel Kirishima," she heard. She looked for the voice and saw Gendo. She instantly snapped to a salute.

"Sir."

He waved her off. "No need for that, Colonel. It's been quite a while since I was your commander." Mana lowered her arm. He turned so that they stood side to side, looking at the group of old Nerv hands. She noticed his beard was almost all gray, and to a lesser extent than Pieter, lines had been cleft onto his face by age.

"Force of habit, sir."

"It's a good habit to have."

The two stood quiet for a time, just watching.

"It's a little weird to see everyone," Mana said.

"I can imagine. The U.S. has been good? How is General Beck?"

"Yeah it has been. And Beck's fine, he's been getting grandfatherly with his kids and I think he might retire soon, however much he denies it. How do you know him?"

Gendo nodded. "We met when I traveled to set up the first Gehirn bases in the U.S., back in the early 2000's. We worked closely together to lobby their Congress. He's a good man, and a fine officer to serve under."

"Very true, sir."

They were quiet again. More time passed, and Yui came by to collect her husband. She smiled and greeted Mana, but said there was an important banquet the two were guests of honor at that evening. The groups were dispersing now, and Shinji came walking up after his parents had left.

"Hey Mana, we're planning on getting some dinner later at this little restaurant Hikari found, care to join us?"

Mana nodded her head. "Sure, that sounds fine. Where is it?"

"It's called the Lakeside Cafe, it's- aw, do you mind just following me? It's not a terribly complicated drive."

Mana let out a small yawn. "Yeah, though from what I recall you weren't the best driver..."

Shinji looked confused for a moment, until he remembered what Mana was referencing. "Hey now! That only happened once, and he was perfectly fine afterward! No harm, no foul, right?"

Mana smiled. "Tell that to his bike."

The two went back and forth on the subject as they walked away.

The memorials for the dead were silent._

* * *

October 15, 2019_

Two years after it.

When she thought about it, Mana was intrigued about how certain events were the pivots that lives were defined around. For her, it was her maiming; for Shinji, the day he saw Unit-01; for Kaji, the day he married Misato.

And for so many people connected to Nerv, the day that Lilith carved her way through the facility was one of those events.

Now she and Shinji were walking away from the markers as rain poured down around them. The small group hadn't stayed long when they had noticed the weather. Shinji had sought out her hand as they had walked, but she had kept a little distance.

For some stupid reason she had felt guilty as she had looked at Asuka's marker. Here she was, getting ready to leave Japan, and she still hadn't told Shinji. The young man that her friend had been so stupidly in love with, it had made her jealous. And now she felt stupid and hateful for having felt such spite, now that she had the man, and was still planning on leaving.

Can the dead accuse the living?

Mana felt her clothes cling to her body, not just from the rain, but from the heat as well. The dirt was rapidly becoming a soggy quagmire, and each step from the two was accompanied by wet slurping sounds.

Thunder rolled across the hills, and Mana slipped on the mud. She fell on her ass, and her umbrella went flying with the wind. She sat there for a few moments as Shinji offered her his hand. She knocked it away, and pulled herself up with one of the metal posts.

A few more minutes and they were in Shinji's (still-new-to-him) car. The two sat in silence.

"Let's just go home," Mana said. Shinji nodded.

It was quiet all the way back.


	7. The Edge of the Water

**Chapter 7 – The Edge of the Water**

Mana walked into the office precisely at 4:00 PM, May 23 2018. As she did, the middle-aged man who had been reading a cheap-looking paperback threw open one of the drawers of his wooden desk and threw the book in before sitting up in his leather chair and threading his fingers expectantly. But Mana wasn't looking at him. She stopped just inside the doorway and examined the room – like so many others she had been in, it had the various knick-knacks (a model wooden frigate, an outdated globe, a bookcase filled with important-looking titles) and other accoutrements she had come to expect.

At the man's cough, she finally turned her eyes to him. Balding, but with the remnants of his hair combed over (a dull red plastic comb sticks out of his breast pocket), glasses she could tell he didn't actually need, and on his face all she could see was a fake smile. Great. He stood up from his chair.

"Ahh, Miss Kirishima, it's good to, ahh, meet you." He extended his hand, but Mana walked past it and sat down in the massive padded chair in front of his desk. He ran with it, and sat back down.

"I am, ahh, Dr. Kouda," Mana folded her arms across her chest, but was silent.

"I understand that, ahh," he checked the manila folder he had neglected earlier, "you've had some, ahh, difficulties, with respect to some past psychologists and counselors." He looked back up at Mana, but still she said nothing.

"Well, I hope we are able to, you know, make a good working relationship here. I did, ahh, look through your file before, but I tend to let my patients, ahh you know, start off the exchange," he made a few hand gestures to try and clarify, "to start, ahh, with any outstanding issues or concerns you might have at this present time. But just, ahh, start wherever you'd like." With that he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk.

Mana stared at him with practiced indifference. She saw him pull out a small pad and began jotting notes on it. For a few minutes, nothing changed. But after a while Mana could see Kouda's eyes narrow behind his glasses. The air in the room would flutter through Kouda's wispy strands of gray hair.

She kept silent. He wrote down more. Every so often he would take his comb and put it back into position, for the air conditioning to blow it around again.

After nearly an hour, she could tell he was flabbergasted. Mana checked her watch, and stood up from the chair quickly.

"Ahh, Miss-" Kouda was cut off by Mana.

"I have been ordered to come here for an hour each week by my commanding officer. I will do that, and no more. I do not need your help, I do not need your analysis. I know what's wrong with me, and I've spent my life with it all, not you. Now goodbye." He stared at her with his mouth slightly open as she turned around and opened the door. But before she left she ducked her head back in and yelled.

"And combs are for people with hair!"

With that she slammed the door shut.

Mana walked out of the building into the afternoon air, a marked change from the air conditioning inside. Louder, too. A decent crowd of people swirled around her in downtown Tokyo-3. She cursed her outburst. She had done so well keeping herself composed until then, why did it have to slip at the very tail end?

She was about to start walking towards the train station when she heard her name called. She looked ahead of her and saw Shinji's face bobbing up and down as he weaved through the crowd towards her. As he got to her she raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you were going to go home?" she asked. He put a finger up as he caught his breath. She grabbed his hand and they walked down a few side streets to get away from the crowds. She stopped and spun around to face him.

"Well," Shinji said, "I thought I would do that, but then I thought I should, uhm, stick around to, see how it..." Mana could see he was realizing what he was saying, but couldn't find a way out, "...you know, went."

Mana swallowed. "It- it was..."

'_It was fine,_' was what she wanted to say, so they could both forget about it and have a semi-decent evening together. If she could just put it behind her, she could focus on _Shinji_, not-

"It went pretty bad," Mana said. She screwed her eyes shut, immensely glad they had gotten away from other people.

"Mana," she heard him say, "you've already been to two others in 6 months-"

"I know, Shinji!" she yelled, finally opening her eyes. "I know how many damn psychs I've been to!" That was a mistake. She stared in his eyes, expecting him to be scared away. Instead, he grabbed her hands and pulled her close.

"Sorry," he said to her left ear, "I know it's been stressful." He stroked his thumbs up and down the tops of her hands. Mana slowly felt the tension drop off of her shoulders.

"I'm just so sick of all the bullshit," Mana said quietly.

"I know you are."

The two stood there for a few minutes, until both heard Shinji's stomach growl. Mana pulled back and smiled. "How 'bout we get some dinner?" In her mind she had her heart set on a small ramen place she had found a few weeks earlier. She could almost taste the broth-boiled egg.

"How about I make some dinner?" Shinji countered.

"Ooh," Mana purred, her interest quickly shifting, "does Shinji want to get lucky tonight?" She danced her fingers along his shoulders. He just smiled back. He took her by the hand and they walked to the train.

A few hours later, the two lay on the couch in Misato's apartment, not watching the late-night news.

"Shinji?" Mana said. She felt him shuffle behind her.

"Yeah?"

Mana paused for a few seconds. "Why are you so good to me?"

Mana felt him chuckle in confusion. "I- I guess... that's just how I am," he said. She felt him kiss the top of her head.

It wasn't the right answer, but Mana tried to ignore that. She took some slow, deep breaths, and turned around on the couch with a wicked smile.

"So, does my Shinji still want to get lucky?"

* * *

Mana followed Shinji's car as it led back towards Tokyo-3 from the cemetery. She was lucky, Shinji stayed on the outskirts of the city as he went to the cafe, avoiding the horrific traffic Mana had seen in the downtown area. Instead she found herself going down quiet suburban streets, with groups of schoolkids wandering home from their clubs occasionally getting in her way.

After about 20 minutes, she saw him slow down and stop his car on the opposite side of the street of a small storefront. There was the place. Mana stopped her car behind his and got out and crossed the street. She could see a staircase on the side of the building leading to the second floor. Shinji walked up to her, but she was looking at the banner hanging from the balcony railing.

"That looks professional," she said, pointing out the hand-drawn kanji proclaiming "The Amazing Lakeside Cafe!" Shinji laughed.

"Yeah, I was a little apprehensive when I saw it first as well. But I swear, it's actually pretty good once you get inside. They got some fine curry."

Mana looked at him. "I suppose I'll take your word on that, Master Chef. And you said Hikari found this place?"

Shinji took off his coat, and Mana was tempted to do the same. The heat was getting a bit much.

"Yep, she lives around here now. With Touji. But I think you got that already."

Mana snorted. "Please, even I could tell those two were just killing time before they could tie the knot at a respectable age. But what's she doing out in the 'burbs?"

"She's actually the principal of the local high school here-" he was interrupted when the door swung open and a young woman with black hair poked her head out.

"Are you two going to stand out there all day! Or are you coming in?" she yelled at Mana & Shinji. The two looked at each other, a pall of silence falling on them. Mana thought she heard someone mutter "Oh Lord" from behind the girl.

"Er, yes," Mana said. The girl instantly beamed a smile at the two.

"Great! Please, come inside!" she said as she backed into the building and opened the door. Mana went in with Shinji following. The interior was a little cooler, but the humidity still sat heavily on Mana's chest as she breathed. The restaurant had a series of booths along the left wall, and a wooden bar on the right surrounding the doors to the kitchen & pantry. Behind the bar was an old woman, currently with her head in her hands muttering "Hitomi," in a pained voice, being comforted by another young woman.

The girl, who Mana could see was wearing a simple blue uniform, turned around sharply. Mana stopped dead in her tracks, and felt Shinji run into her back.

"Welcome to the Amazing Lakeside Cafe! Please take a seat!" she gave a victory sign, then stood there with her hands on her hips.

Mana stared at her, but decided against saying anything. She sank into one of the upholstered booths, and Shinji took the other side. The other girl, with short, bleached blonde hair, came up to the booth.

"Ah, my name is Kazue. Is there anything I can get you to start with?"

Mana looked at Shinji. "Any suggestions?" she asked.

He thought about it for a moment. "I do like the coffee they make here."

Mana looked back at Kazue, "I'll take some coffee." She looked back at Shinji, "Now what about food?"

"Well, the others'll show up later, so I think we can get some dinner first."

Back to Kazue. "I'll get a plate of curry with beef," Mana said.

"How spicy would you like it?" Kazue asked.

Mana was about to answer when she saw Shinji smiling. "What are you so smug about?" she said.

"Oh! Nothing, nothing. I just think you should get the non-spicy version. It's pretty hot as it is."

Mana raised an eyebrow. "Is that a _challenge_, Shinji?"

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't."

Mana shot back to Kazue. "As spicy as you can make it," she clipped out. She turned back to Shinji, narrowed her eyes, and smiled.

"I'll have the same," he said to the girl. He smiled back at Mana.

"Right, thank you," Kazue said, "your coffee will be ready soon." But neither really heard her, as they were busy staring the other down.

"Think you've got what it takes to keep up with me, Ikari?" Mana said, leaning her right elbow on the table.

"I still remember you guzzling a liter of water after having some of that Indian food at Nerv way back when."

"Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. I've gotten better since then. I think your mouth's writing checks your tongue can't cash."

"We'll find out then, won't we?" he said. After a moment he continued, pointing his finger at Mana, "And you're not allowed to turn off your tongue. That would be cheating."

Mana placed her hand on her chest in mock outrage, "Why, Shinji, how dare you suggest that I might attempt to wholly circumvent any rules! I am always perfectly honorable in any contest." She dared Shinji with her look to contradict her.

He put up his hands with a smile. "We'll see what happens."

"Why don't we sweeten the deal, then?" Mana said, "If I win, you pay for dinner; if you do, I pay."

Shinji stuck out his hand, and Mana grabbed it. "Agreed," he said.

They talked some more, and Mana found herself getting into a comfortable rhythm with Shinji. And the coffee was pretty decent. After a few minutes their food was brought out. Mana stared at the orange-brown concoction, still bubbling ominously. She got a whiff of the curry, and immediately her eyes began to water. She looked up at Shinji, and put her game face on.

"So, still so confident about beating me?" she said. She could see he was wavering in resolve as well. Shinji picked up his spoon, and paused. Mana was ready to declare her preemptive victory when he began digging in. She drew her breath in a hiss. She picked up her spoon and began devouring the meal.

As the first bite hit her tongue, Mana knew that this contest was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.

Every few bites she would look up at Shinji, who had begun to sweat. He would look up from his food at her, and she would feel the spiciness contract her chest. Both asked for, and got, their own water pitchers, and out of the corner of her eye Mana could see the waitresses watching their battle and- wait, was the black-haired one laying down some _cash_?

From what she could tell through the haze her vision was becoming, Shinji had seen it too, and was as reluctant as her to be the loser. So both soldiered on.

About halfway through, Mana was beginning to get convinced that her food was going to melt through her stomach.

Three-quarters through, and Mana entertained the thought that she had actually already died, and that this was her personal Hell.

As less and less was left on her plate, time went slower and slower. With a bite Mana could feel each and every spark in the cornucopia of tastes, most of which were pain.

Finally, she dropped her spoon on the empty plate, and heard a similar sound across the table. They had both finished. They watched each other pant heavily.

Mana looked at Shinji, and then started laughing, even as it hurt her stomach. He looked confused for a second, then started laughing as well.

"That was the worst idea we have ever had," Mana eventually got out.

Shinji wiped his forehead with a napkin. "I agree. Tie?"

Mana nodded her head. "Tie." Mana heard a disappointed yell from the left. It was the black-haired girl, whose money was now being counted by the blonde. Mana looked back at Shinji, who just shook his head.

Mana sat back and tried to relax her body after the ordeal she had put herself through. She knew it had been pretty dumb to get riled up like that, but it had been fun. The two sat sedate for a time, talking a little.

But the reverie was broken when Mana saw a woman enter the cafe, followed by Hikari and Touji. She waved at Mana, who slowly raised her own and returned it. Shinji turned around. "Ah, Ichi!"

'_Wait, Ichi?_'

Mana tried to connect the image of the young woman in front of her, currently hugging Shinji, and the 60-meter tall Unit-01 she had seen a few days ago. The woman sat down in front of Mana.

"Hi there!" she said.

"Hi... Ichi," Mana replied. The girl looked a little confused, but then something seemed to hit her.

"Ah, right. You left before I got this." She pointed to her chest. "This is just like one of the old Avatars I used to have, just... updated." Ichi grabbed Mana's hand and pressed it to her chest. "See, much more lifelike!"

Mana took back her hand. She was about to ask if Ichi had been spending time with Mari, but thought better of it. It still struck her how young she had looked, but she wondered if it would be appropriate for her to ask when she saw her.

"So, how's the giant robot scene been lately?" Mana asked. She could see Shinji talk with Touji over Ichi's shoulder.

"It's been good – I've been spending some time with my nieces in the MP-Evas, and you'd be surprised at how smart they are!"

"I think I can imagine."

"Well, besides that not much. OH, wait! I took Zwei to the Tokyo-2 Dog Show a few months ago, but they disqualified him for some stupid reason. I mean, he's the best dog there is, of _course_ he should be allowed in so everyone can see how _cool_ and _awesome_ he is and- Ooh! can I ask you something?"

Mana tried to process how fast Ichi spoke. "...Sure. What's up?"

"You know how I used to date Theta?"

Mana's lips went to a line. "Yes, even after I explicitly ordered him to stop traveling the world when off-duty."

Ichi laughed awkwardly. "Well, when will I get to meet the new guys? The ones who'll be in the 3-series?"

Mana leaned forward, and Ichi mirrored her action. "Ichi... I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you down here."

Ichi flopped back onto the seat. "Awww, that's no fun. It's hard finding actual sapients who aren't somehow related to me." She shot back to lean forward over the table. "How come?"

"Ichi, I can't tell you why. That's classified."

"I'll keep it a secret!"

Mana sighed. "Look, Ichi," she said as she put the fingers of her left hand to her forehead, "it's not that I don't want you to meet the new guys, it's that there aren't any new guys in the 3's."

Ichi tilted her head. "But Theta likes being in the 2-series, he told me it feels like home."

Mana was getting frustrated. "We're not moving Theta and the others. There just... won't be sapients in the 3-series. Ok?"

Ichi let it sink in. "Ohhhh, I get it now." But before she could keep going Hikari and Touji sat down in the booth as well. Mana could see Shinji greet Mari at the door. Hikari threw her arms around Mana in an awkward sideways hug.

"I have to say, I've gotten more hugs in the past week then in the past few years," Mana said.

"That's because we've missed you!" Hikari said.

"But then if I was here regularly my absence wouldn't be felt as much and thus, fewer hugs." Mana pointed her finger as she made her point.

Hikari glared at Mana, then embraced her again. Behind Mari, Uriel entered with Annette, who were then followed by Kei and Kaworu. The group sat down in the booth behind Mana.

When the the black-haired waitress came to take their order, Hikari snapped to look her over.

"Hitomi," she drew out the syllables in the girl's name, "I trust you've been keeping yourself out of trouble lately?" Holding the drink tray in front of her like a shield and turning her face away, expecting more from Hikari, Hitomi slowly opened one eye.

"A... ha. Ha. Yeah. I've been keeping out of trouble," she shouted back to behind the counter, "isn't that right, Granny!"

A non-committal grunt was heard, and Hitomi smiled gamely at Hikari.

Hikari studied the girls face for a few more tense seconds, then settled back down into her seat. "Alright then, I'll have a cream pastry, my husband will have the rice & _steamed_ vegetables," at which Touji let out an old sigh, "Ichi," who waved at Hitomi, "will have an octopus platter, and Mana what do you want?"

"Ah, me and Shinji already ate."

"Right, nothing for her now, and we'll all have some coffee," Hikari finished by slamming shut her menu, collecting the others and presenting them to Hitomi, who was still struggling to write the orders down. After putting the finishing touches on the order sheet, Hitomi took the menus and ran to the back.

Mana looked over at Hikari. "She's a good girl, at heart," Hikari said, "and she's getting to be a fairly decent chef, she just has some discipline problems I've had to deal with at school."

"I'm sure it can't be worse than anything I pulled off. I think it took 3 weeks to fix the yard after mine and Go-kun's little scrap."

Hikari opened her mouth to respond and stopped. "Ah – well, at least you had an excuse when you missed classes. But enough about that!"

For the next half hour, Mana was grilled by Hikari about everything and anything Mrs. Suzuhara thought was important. From how Mana was eating (Sioux Falls steak company did not rate highly in her view), to what she did to occupy her mind (and organizing a military regiment and contacts between two chains of command didn't count).

Before Hikari could begin inquiring into Mana's love life (or lack of one), Mana noticed Mari get up and walk outside. Nobody seemed perturbed, but after a few minutes Mana decided to follow her. Opening the door, Mana was struck by the hot and humid twilight. Mari was smoking about 15 feet away from the entrance.

"Hey there," Mana said, "long time no see." Mari blew some smoke up and away from Mana. From what Mana could see, Mari hadn't aged a day since she had last seen her.

"Hey," Mari responded.

Mana waited for her to say something more, but there was nothing. Wanting to break through the awkwardness, Mana took a few steps and leaned against the wall next to Mari.

"It's a nice night out, isn't it?" Mana said.

"Better when you can see the stars," Mari replied, looking at one of the streetlights. In the distance cicadas trilled.

"I'll agree with you there. You get out of the city much?"

Mari took another drag. "Not as much as I'd like. I spend a lot of time in the Geofront."

"Doing anything in particular?"

Mari chuckled. "Here and there. I keep company with Junior. He wouldn't tell you, but the guy gets really lonely sometimes. And until Lilly gets older it's pretty much just us. The Israfim aren't really the same, and they can be dicks sometimes."

Mana laughed. "That's your objection to them?"

Mari was smiling now, "You try and clean up after a herd of them have overrun the place because you thought they might be more intelligent if in close proximity. If they did it was only about what was best to destroy. Junior didn't talk to me for two weeks after that incident."

Mana laughed at that. "Well, he's always liked having a neat home. How is the big goober, anyway?"

"He's doing alright for himself. He _may_ have started a website to cater to members of our sex with tentacle fantasies and such, but when I bring it up with him he just starts laughing and suggests *I* should do something similar, except for people with sexual attraction to d8's." Mari ground the tip of her nearly-done cigarette on the wall and let it drop, and pulled out another to light up.

"I... I'm not sure I want to know the details, am I?"

"Probably not. But again, I can't figure out if he set it up or if someone's just using some really good CGI."

"Well, is he making money off it?"

Mari's face lit up. "Oh he's been making bank! But apparently that's all from eBay, he says!" Mari let out a sigh. "On some level I wish he'd just tell me the truth, but I think he likes me having to figure out what's happening."

"Does he still have that deerstalker-"

"Yes, he does. At this point all he needs is a cocaine addiction and we'll have a Sandulim Sherlock Holmes on our hands."

Mana let out a laugh at that. The two fell silent, but it was much more comfortable than earlier. The streetlight across the street finally turned on to join its fellows.

"So, what have you been doing with Junior, besides trying to ferret out his hidden plots?" Mana asked.

"Well, we've got a long term project that I'm working with Dr. Ibuki on." Mana raised her eyebrow.

Mari continued. "Using Junior's core, we're going to try and in some way create the rest of the Sandulim. Enough breeding groups with a sufficient genetic diversity that they can be 'let out into the wild.'"

Mana's eyes widened at that. "Woah."

Mari chuckled. "Yeah, it's a big one, and we're not even a tenth of the way to the point of even _connecting_ Junior's core to an S2 engine, but I think we'll make it eventually."

"I just... I mean... wow. That's... pretty incredible right there."

"We've kept it under wraps so far, just so we don't get people screaming 'Junior's going to take over the world!' Which is really funny, because he told me that he'd rather live on _Venus_ if he got a chance."

"And you'll see it?"

Mari's smile faltered a little, and she was quiet for a few moments. "Yeah, probably. I guess you've been wondering about *this* haven't you?" she said as she gestured around her face.

Mana tried to phrase herself delicately. "Mari, you look like you haven't aged at all. What happened?"

Mari smiled at Mana and pointed to her throat. "It's the core. It's changed so much of how my body works that... I'm not on the same timescale as you all anymore. I'm closer to Junior now, but even his species is shorter-lived than I would be. And when I eventually pass Lilly will probably be at a mental age of 16 or so."

"And how long might that be?"

Mari ground the cigarette on the same point of the wall as the first one, and pulled out a third. She offered the pack to Mana, who took one out. Mari lit hers, then Mana's.

"I'll probably live for another 600-700 years. Junior looks like he has another 3-400 in him. And we can't even guess as to how long Lilly'll last."

Mana tried to comprehend that. "That's pretty long," was all she could say.

The two kept smoking as the sky became darker, the sun providing only an orange and pink tint to the western horizon.

"I try not to think about it, most days," Mari said, "it's just not worth it, you know? That was something my dad taught me. 'Better to live in the moment than worry about the future, especially if it might be 200 years off.'"

"So I take it you two don't have yelling matches as much anymore?" Mana asked, but then regretted asking.

Mari looked confused for a moment, then laughed. "Ha! No, I guess we don't. Jeez, those were some stupid fights we had, and in the _Geofront_ as well."

Mana silently thanked God that her question hadn't blown up in her face. "What happened between you two?" she asked, hurriedly adding, "If you want to tell me."

Mana watched Mari think for a few seconds. She had forgotten her own cigarette, and let out a small yell when it burned down to her fingers. Mana dropped the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, grinding the ball of her foot on top of it.

"You know, I don't think it was just one thing," Mari said, her eyes focused on the few visible stars that were coming into view in the sky. "Even after you left we would just argue over the most ridiculous crap. For a few years I'm not sure we even spoke to each other without some kind of accusation coming up. I think I told him once that he only married Kyoko to make himself feel better about Asuka's death. We - well, I - was pretty vicious."

Mari took a long drag on her cigarette. "I think I was talking to Uri. Must have been twelve, thirteen years ago. And I realized that no matter what I did, my father always saw me as his daughter."

"There were days I thought he would disown you," Mana said.

"There were days where _I_ thought that," Mari said, "that if I just pushed his buttons enough, something might snap, and I wouldn't have to worry about disappointing him anymore, because he wouldn't care about me." Mari smiled warmly, "I guess I should have listened to him when he said I was still his daughter, even with the core."

"Are there any members of your family that aren't stubborn as mules?" Mana asked, rubbing her thumb over the small burn on her middle finger.

"Probably not, but I don't think you're one to talk, Ms. 'Leaves Tokyo-3 and then Doesn't Talk To Anyone Ever.'" Mari said, pulling her glasses down her nose to look over at Mana.

Mana shrugged her shoulders. "It... seemed that was what I needed to do. Let's just say that coming back has thrown me for a loop."

Mari lightly punched her shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I'm almost certain everyone's just happy to see you again. Come on, let's get inside and grab some more food." Mari grabbed Mana's hand and pulled her back into the cafe. When they went in she caught Shinji's eyes, and he smiled at her before continuing his conversation with Uriel.

For the next two hours Mana talked and listened. It turned out that she and Touji had been at the International Baseball Series at Tacoma five years earlier (the Minnesota Twins vs. the Chiba Lotte Marines), which set off a long back and forth between the two of them as to who _should_ have won the title that year. It was a heated discussion, but before Hikari had to step in they both asked who they would root for normally – Mana went for the Red Sox; Touji, the Tokyo-3 Evas. They both laughed at having to cheer on a different team than usual, and began pointing out the problems both teams at the 2033 series had, of which there were so many they wondered how they had even gotten there in the first place.

Every once in a while she would catch Uriel's eye, but she couldn't get herself to speak to him. She wondered what he thought of her now, after what she had said to him those few days ago.

But as the night wore on, people had to head out (especially to the kids). The group got up from their seats and walked out into the night, thanking the waitresses. Shinji was about to pull out his wallet when Mana slammed down a card of her own to pay for her and Shinji.

"It was a tie, though?" he said.

Mana signed the receipt, and gave a nice tip to both waitresses. She looked square at Shinji as they walked out.

"That was repaying you for the breakfast."

The group stood in a clump on the sidewalk, still talking amongst each other. Mana looked at Uriel, and (taking a very deep breath) beckoned him over. He nodded, and the two walked away a few yards, near where Mana and Mari had spoken earlier.

"Look, Uri, I..." Mana started, but didn't know what to say.

Uriel's eyes opened a little, evening out a few of the deep lines on his face. "Mana, it's alright-"

Mana cut him off. "No it's not, Uri. Look," she closed her eyes and let out a breath through her teeth, "look, I'm sorry about what I said to you before. It was stupid and petty of me, and I shouldn't have bit at you for looking out for me."

Uriel was quiet for a few moments. He then pulled Mana into a hug. "Apology accepted. But it was pretty foolish of me to bring up those two."

Mana spoke into his shoulder, "Yeah it was, but that's alright." He let her go. "Thanks, Uri."

Annette called out from behind Mana, "Uri! Athanasius says that Lucas got into the flour at the suite, and Michael seems to have shorted the television."

Uriel sighed, but with a smile in his eyes. "Boys," he said to Mana.

"Go whip 'em into shape, Uri. We'll catch up later," Mana said.

"Well, we need to be off. I told the babysitter we'd be back by 10 PM," said Hikari. She gave one last hug to Mana as she walked back into the dwindling group, said "Keep in touch," and left with Touji.

"Much work to be done tomorrow. Especially on your material," Kei said, pointing at Mana. "Have a good night, sister, brothers, Mana." Kaworu bowed, and the Nagisa's left. Mari left for the nearest underground club with Ichi in tow.

Eventually just Shinji and Mana were left. Behind them Kazue & Hitomi left the cafe for their own homes, and the old proprietress went up the stairs to hers, leaving the cafe dark. Looking up at the streetlight, Mana saw a cloud of tiny insects, and could hear the hum of the lights themselves.

"So, that was fun," Mana said.

Shinji smiled and nodded his head, saying "Yeah."

The two stood outside the cone of light.

"You never told anyone how I punched you before I left, did you?" Mana asked, her voice smaller than usual.

Shinji put his hands into his pants pockets, then took them out. "Nope," he said.

"How come?"

"None of their business," he said.

Mana looked at Shinji, trying to figure out what he was going to say. "How'd you explain the teeth?"

He smiled at Mana, and she found she couldn't tell which teeth were replacements. "You know how clumsy I can be sometimes, Mana."

Mana smiled.

"God, you're an idiot."


	8. The Good Days

**Chapter 8 – The Good Days**

"So, for the next two weeks you'll be quartered in an apartment next to the Mall, and we've already got all your material in it – and, ah don't worry about dinner tomorrow, Lara is very excited to meet you."

Mana and Colonel Beck were walking up the stairs of the remodeled Capitol Building. Mana had just arrived in the country two days earlier, and the time difference had caught up to her. It was just after 7:30 PM, but she just wanted to curl up in a ball on a bed. And probably cry about Shinji as well, not that she would tell anyone that's why. Or that she had even been crying intermittently since she left Japan. Such was the life of Mana Kirishima, newly commissioned 2nd Lieutenant in the JSSDF Army.

Hearing Beck, Mana felt awkward. "It's alright – I really don't mean to impose like that. I mean, it's not like I can't grab food myself. I'm sure there are some decent places near the apartment."

The two passed into the hallways around the central chamber, passing by door after door marked with a name and district. Most were closed, and they passed few people.

"Ahh, Mana. I'm not quite sure you understand Mississippi women. My wife did not _ask_ me to invite you – she ordered me. And should you fail to appear, I am reasonably certain that she will take it out on my own hide." He stopped walking and smiled warmly at Mana. "Really, you're not imposing if you're invited." He placed his hand on Mana's shoulder and squeezed.

"Right," Mana said, "so when do I get to see the place?" Two suited young men took the opportunity to pass right between Mana & Beck. Mana shot a dark glance at their backs.

"I just need to make a showing to one representative in particular, he's been a fairly key force behind the whole Jet Alone Prime² project."

They stopped at a door, and Mana read the placard beside it – 'John Scott, 5th Congressional District, Iowa'.

Beck put his hand on the doorknob, hesitated, then looked at Mana. "And let me give you just a little warning, Mr. Scott-" Mana waved him off.

"Colonel, I've faced down Angels and Cherubim. I think I'll be fine."

Beck smiled, "I know you will." With that, he opened the door. The two were greeted with a strange sight, as a woman not much older than Mana sat on the floor, surrounded by manila folders, stacks of extremely old carbon copies, and loose sheets of paper. At the sound of the door she looked up, and Mana could see her eyes were covered in red lines, and circled with black.

"Ms. Thomas," Beck said, "are you alright?"

She blinked her eyes a few times. "Oh, oh, Colonel. How are you?" Ms. Thomas tried to push herself off the floor, scattering pages with her hands until she stumbled. The two rushed in and caught her by the armpits before she hit the ground.

"Ms. Thomas, what happened?" Beck asked. Mana & Beck helped the young woman to a seat, and Mana got her a cup of water.

After Ms. Thomas took a long drink from it, she coughed twice. "Ah, Re-representive Scott wanted me to go through... all the legal opinions written on Truman's t-takeover of the steel foundries in the 50's." Mana & Beck looked over the landscape of paper spread across the carpeted floor. "I-I haven't slept. In a few days, I think. I just... just didn't think there'd be so _much_," she said.

Beck laid a hand on her shoulder. "I think you've done plenty enough for our good public servant. Why don't you head home and get yourself some rest?" Ms. Thomas smiled back at him and nodded. Mana grabbed what looked like her purse and handed it to her.

"You're not far, are you?" Beck asked. Ms. Thomas shook her head. "Well, why don't you ask one of the Billings boys down the hall to walk you home, just in case." Ms. Thomas nodded and left. Mana smirked at Beck.

"Trying to play matchmaker between the interns?" she asked. '_You're worse than Misato,_' she added in her mind.

"Now, now, I just believe a young woman oughtn't be forced to walk home by herself in the evening. And they're good boys from that town. They understand how a lady ought to be treated." Beck sat down on one of the wooden seats, taking care not to step on any stray papers or knock over any stacks.

"Uh-huh, sure. I totally believe you there," Mana said, smirk still firmly attached to her face.

"And just because I noticed those two are a little shy around the fairer sex has no bearing on my recent actions," Beck pointed at Mana, "and now you've got me practicing for my talk with some senators later this week!"

"Because _you_ need practice bullshitting."

Beck slapped his knee at that, "Ha ha!"

Outside the open door, Mana could hear two heated voices echo off the marble from down the corridor come closer. She could make out some of what they were saying.

"-listen here, there's a reason I've got that DR after my name!" said the first voice.

"Do I care who you caucus with? No!" said the second, "You want my help with your rider, you damn well better convince Ms. Lafayette to vote 'yes' tomorrow!" The voice turned into a man standing at the doorway, still facing the hallway.

"And that's final!" he said, pointing. He then turned and looked inside the office, noticing Beck, Mana, and the papers in that order. He turned to Beck and smiled broadly. "Nick, you old dog!" He closed the door and stepped into the room, accidentally knocking over a stack. He ignored it, and grabbed Beck's hand as he stood up. "Ha ha! It's good to see you, ya rebel bastard!" he said.

"It's good to see you again, Representative Scott," Beck answered.

"No no no! Drop that crap – we're all friends here!" He looked around the room. "Hey, where did Jessica-"

"I told her to head back home. She was a little exhausted," Beck said.

Scott nodded his head, "Right, right." He looked over at Mana, who stiffened to attention under his eyes. "And who is thi- wait!" Scott looked at Beck. "Is this your Japanese girl?" Beck opened his mouth to reply, but Scott ignored him and went over to Mana. "Ah, KOH-NEE-CHEE-WAH, MISS," Scott said, speaking loudly to try and come across more intelligibly, before he then awkwardly bowed.

Mana waited until he had gotten upright before shaking his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Representative Scott," she said in barely-accented English.

Beck cut in, "Yes, this is Second Lieutenant Mana Kirishima, sent over by the JSSDF to help us out."

Scott yawned as he nodded his head. "Right, right." He clapped her on the shoulder, "Don't you worry about nothing, I'll get the votes on the committee to fund our dear Colonel's giant robot fantasy!"

Scott turned back to Beck, "Can you- I mean can you, did you hear about what that Langley bastard wanted from us a few days ago?"

Beck shook his head. "I can't say I have. What was Pieter asking?"

Scott stomped his foot. "I'll tell you! That son of a bitch thinks WE, the United States GOVERNMENT, ought to pay those Nerv bastards for all that shit we took from them after New Vegas. Pay!" Mana could see Scott's bulging face turn redder as he hit his hand on the table. "And you want to know the worst part? I think the President wants to. The President! Son of a bitch is supposed to represent our interests abroad, not cave on them!"

Beck cleared his throat and motioned toward the landscape of papers, "So I take it that's what all these opinions on the steel takeover were for?"

Scott looked at them as if it were for the first time, and changed his demeanor completely. "Right, right. Forgotten about that. Well it's all history now, so it doesn't matter so much." Mana saw Beck's jaw clench, but Scott remained oblivious.

Scott laughed, then opened up the door to his inner office. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make some phone calls. Nick, call me tomorrow afternoon and we can talk to Liz. Night!" Scott shut the door, the wind blowing a few pieces of paper into the air.

Mana stared at the door, and silently wished that hate could set things on fire.

As she and Beck walked through the hallways away from the office, Mana fumed. "What the HELL was that? 'Is this your Japanese Girl'! Goddamn! And what was that calling you a rebel for!"

Beck sighed. "He thinks everyone born south of Mason-Dixon is some kind of Confederate. Scott is... a special breed of jackass," he said, "but he's been the key ally for the project in Congress for a while now. Only that new Senator from Maine's been open enough as well to it to push funding for the project. Without Scott's efforts, we'd be nowhere. He's... distasteful, but sometimes you need the help only a dick can give you."

Mana stopped, her frown dropping away. She then began giggling uncontrollably. Beck palmed his face.

"That wasn't what I wanted to say."

* * *

It was a few years after Mana's first visit to Washington. She'd recently been promoted to Captain, and she vividly remembered telling Kaji about it.

_See, I'm successful here. They see what I can do._

She had been summoned to the area because she was to give a full testimony against her commanding officer, General Jonathan Powers for criminal negligence. Once the investigation concerning Unit Zeta's activation test was through, Mana hoped, the bastard would see the inside of a jail cell.

And Mana would probably be out of a job.

It still shook her up when she thought about it, so she tried not to think about the _screaming_ and-

Mana shook her head violently. It had just been a police siren in the distance.

She was drinking at a small bar just outside the District on the Virginia side. A pre-Impact jukebox sat along the far wall, the flashing lights not catching anyone's eyes. A group of well-suited lobbyists sat in the far corner, speaking too loudly and being too friendly. Outside the bar a summer thunderstorm lashed the night.

Mana peered into the glass of beer in front of her. What she was doing was something of a long shot, but she had to try. She had no intention of failing here and going back to Japan with her tail between her legs. She would do everything to prevent going back to Tokyo-3.

The door opened, and Mana saw her man walk in. He was drenched, his raincoat having failed miserably at its appointed task. He took it off as well as his hat, and hung them up on a rack near the door, revealing the face of Edward Treadwell, junior Senator from Maine. He was of middle-age, with the first creases appearing on his face (though she did not notice that they were of joy, not anxiety). He wiped a hand through his short black beard, and tried to dry his face. Edward looked around the room before his noticed Mana sitting far away from the other patrons. She motioned her head toward the bar, and he nodded back.

Mana kept drinking as he went to the bar and ordered his own. With drink in hand, Edward sat down across from Mana, and took her hands in his. She didn't think about how similar he held them to an earlier man in her life. "I heard about what happened, Mana. Are you alright?"

"I've been better, Ed," she replied. They were both quiet. Edward left his drink untouched.

After a few minutes, Mana spoke up, "I'm going to need your help, Ed."

Edward nodded his head, "You can count on me, Mana," he said.

"I'm just... this is terrible. I should have triple-checked the mental locks or... made a last-minute diagnostic of the sapient... I should have done _something_," Mana said, her voice fraying with anger at the end. "Why in the Hell did I trust Powers with anything? I _knew_ he was a bastard but..."

Edward squeezed Mana's hands, "Hey, hey," he said to get her attention. "Look at me. Mana, you followed the regulations. That's what the investigation will find out. You did everything that could be expected, and more so sometimes. This was bad, but it's not going to derail the project. I know how much it means to you and Beck."

Mana looked up from her drink to Edward. She nodded slowly. In the corner one of the lobbyists tripped over his own feet and landed on the floor, laughing.

"We'll have the committee meeting two days from now, which gives me some time to make some calls to Tiborough and Johnstone. We'll keep this alive. You just need to trust me," Edward said.

"Tiborough hates you, though," Mana said.

"Oh I know," Edward replied, "but Arkansas has a hefty stake in the construction of our dear machines. He'll do what's necessary if I trade a few horses with him."

Mana narrowed her eyes, "What are you thinking about?"

Edward licked his lips. "I'll probably have to vote for our dear friend Mr. Langstreet's Supreme Court bid."

Mana sucked in her breath. "You told me you'd rather shoot off a foot than vote for him!" she whispered, "I can't make you do this!" And in some part of her mind, she might have believed what she was saying.

He held up a hand. "Don't worry about me. I won't give in on anything too big, but I'll do what's necessary."

Mana stared at Edward, trying to read underneath his face. She then closed her eyes. "Thank you," she said.

He kissed the top of her hand. "It's the least I can do for you."

Mana really hoped she wasn't blushing.

"Now, where are you staying tonight?" he asked.

"I've got a room over at Wellsy's for the next week," Mana said.

Edward carefully let go of Mana's hands. "Would you care to spend the night?" he asked, "It's... I've missed you."

Mana took hold of his hands this time. "I've missed you too. That sounds nice. Not afraid of the Capitol paparazzi catching the dashing Senator with his girlfriend?"

Edward grinned, and pulled Mana up from the table. "I would never be ashamed of you," he said. Mana quickly downed the last of her beer, and Edward left his drink on the table. The drunk lobbyists never noticed their leaving.

* * *

'_All good things must come to an end_,' Mana thought as Athene drove her back to the Tokyo-3 airport.

"Well, I hope you had a great time, Colonel," Athene said as they pulled near to where Mana's chartered flight sat, "It's been a pleasure to serve you."

Mana looked over at Athene in the driver's seat, "It's been nice to get to know you, Ms. Prideaux. Good luck on your research." Mana got out of the car and grabbed her suitcase. Athene smiled and waved as she pulled out and drove away.

Mana breathed out and let her shoulders slump. Here she was, leaving Tokyo-3 again. And again, something like a thief in the night. But she couldn't stay here forever.

Mana waited around a few minutes, conscious that she was meant to arrive back in Washington before heading to Trident, and frustrated at the short time she had to get there. Mana heard another car pull up behind her, along with a door opening.

Mana turned to see Shinji pull himself out of his car (not new but not old), and she couldn't help but smile.

"Need any help?" she asked.

"No no, I'm alright," Shinji responded, kicking his leg to try and free it from whatever had caught it. After a tug, he jumped back a few steps trying to keep his balance. Mana tried not to laugh, but didn't do a very good job at it.

Shinji walked up to her and noticed her smirk. "Yeah yeah, laugh it up. Or do you want these flowers?" He produced a nice bouquet from behind his back. Mana was both surprised and impressed.

"You want me to clock you this time as well?" Mana asked.

Shinji laughed, "Not really, no. But you didn't really give me time to get anything fancier to send you off with."

Mana crossed her arms. "And who said I needed a gift for leaving? Are you trying to send me some kind of subtle signal, Mr. Ikari?"

Shinji gestured awkwardly with the bouquet, "Hey! I just thought it would be a nice gesture. You know, a 'We really liked having you here, so come back soon!' sort of thing."

Mana uncrossed her arms, and took the flowers. "Thank you," she said, "but who's this 'we'?"

Shinji scratched his scalp behind his ear. "Ah, uh... people... here. You know."

Mana stopped for a moment and tried to figure out what to do. Shinji's stammerings meant almost certainly that it was just his idea, and no one else had been involved. If he had at least mentioned Hikari, Mana would have understood that, as Mrs. Suzuhara was one to never leave a good occasion for wishing someone well.

But no. Shinji Ikari, the man she had broken the heart of nearly two decades earlier, was giving her flowers.

Mana did not understand what was going through his mind. Furthermore she was at a loss as to how to respond. So she did the first thing that came to her mind – try and cover her confusion.

"Right, right," Mana said, "I, uh, I understand. Yeah... thank the others for me, will you?"

"Yeah, I will," Shinji replied.

This wasn't really how Mana wanted to end this visit. For a while longer they faced one another. Perhaps they were looking at each other.

"Sooo," Shinji said, "thanks for letting me know about Athene. That would have been awkward."

'_As if it isn't awkward_ now_,_' Mana thought.

"No problem," she said, "I don't think anyone wanted to see her kick your ass."

"Wouldn't be the first time a woman put me in my place," Shinji said.

Mana wasn't sure what to make of that either, so she kept her mouth shut.

"It was... it was really good to see you again, Mana," Shinji said. Mana saw that he was still smiling. She didn't perhaps understand why, but it was infectious.

"I... this has been nice. It was good to see you again, Shinji," Mana said before checking the time.

"I guess I can't keep you long," Shinji said. Mana shook her head.

"Well, have a good time back home then," he said.

Mana would spend the next week trying to figure out why she did what she did next.

Walking right up to Shinji, she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

From the way Shinji tensed, Mana could tell he was just as confused about it as she was. She leaned back.

"I'll keep in touch," she said. Shinji looked dumbly at her for a few seconds before nodding his head.

With that, Mana walked away with her suitcase and flowers, feeling Shinji's gaze at her back. Getting into the scramjet, Mana breathed in deep from the flowers. They were nice, nicer still for being unexpected.

And with that, Mana left Tokyo-3.

* * *

Colonel Beck leaned back and stretched his arms out above his head, thrusting his chest out towards Mana. He let out a groan, then slumped back into his seat. Scattered around the table were stacks of paper, many of them with Mana's signature at the bottom. Her hand would have gotten cramped hours ago, if not for having cybernetic limbs – a perk, perhaps, she thought. They had been at the meeting room in one of Tokyo-3's high rises since before noon, hashing out some of the last details of Mana's deployment to the United States. Mana looked at the clock – 9:24 PM.

"Now Mana," at Beck's voice, Mana turned back towards him, "this is the last one. That's your acceptance of commission from the JSSDF." He slid the slim packet over the table towards her. She flipped open the thin plastic covering to read it. One more piece of bureaucratic nightmare to cut through. But as she was reaching towards the black pen, which had started this day full, but was now visibly on its last few dregs, Beck opened his mouth.

"Actually, Mana," he said. Mana's eyes shifted upwards to him. He sucked in his lips, then let them out.

"How about we leave that one for tomorrow," he said as he gathered up the rest of them. Mana raised an eyebrow at him. He noticed it.

"I just think, we're not in a hurry to get this all done, we can take our time, and I don't want you to rush into this and then have second thoughts. I'd hate for you to arrive in the States and feel like you should've stayed."

Mana pulled the cap off the bottom of the pen with her teeth, flipped the pen around and recapped it. "Colonel, you've given me four months to think about this. Don't you think I'd've figured it out by now?"

Beck smiled. "You'd be surprised at what pops into view that last night. Trust me, let's leave it for tomorrow. It's getting late, and my old bones are a-creaking."

"You're not even 45 yet!" Mana replied. Beck grinned wider. "That still makes me twice as old as you, young lady. I may not have the long white beard, but I swear I've got something up here," he said as he knocked his knuckles on his temple. Mana laughed at that. She let out an over-large sigh, and put the pen down. "Fine, fine, fine. I _suppose_ I'll listen to you this time. But don't expect my resolution to change, Colonel!" Mana pointed her finger at Beck, who raised his arms.

"Just think of it as getting used to listening to me, then," he replied.

"Alright, alright. I can do that," Mana said, getting up out of her chair. She grabbed her backpack from the ground, and slung one strap over her shoulder. Standing at the door she asked "When do you want to meet tomorrow?"

Beck placed another pile of forms into his briefcase, then looked up at Mana. "Hrm, how does 10 in the morning sound?" Beck grinned, "We don't need to get up too early for it."

Mana nodded, "Sounds good. See you tomorrow then, Colonel." Mana walked out of the meeting room with Beck's voice following her, and made her way down to ground level, where she stepped out into the warm August night. She started walking back towards her apartment. As she walked through the still-substantial crowds, she wondered why Beck had told her to think about it overnight. Did he think she wasn't ready for it? Was he giving her an out? She had already given her resignation to Commander Ikari, where else would she go now? It wasn't as if she could go back. Not if she wanted to hold her head up high.

The train was crowded, but not stuffed, and Mana was glad she didn't have to stay on it long. She yawned into her hand. '_Suppose doing nothing takes a lot out of you._'

After 10 minutes on the line, she got off at the nearest stop to her apartment. What else could Mana do? The Evas weren't needed anymore – they were being put into storage, with their pilots now free to go about their lives.

When he received her resignation, Commander Ikari had asked Mana if she had told Shinji of her plans yet. She had answered – no. He had made no further comment.

Mana got to the apartment building just after 10. She got out of the elevator on the seventh floor, and headed to her place. Kaji had graciously let her keep their old apartment, after he and Misato had shacked up in an empty one on the same floor. She opened her door, threw her backpack into the doorway, then closed the door again. She walked to the familiar door – apartment 708. Unlocking it, she opened the door and called in, "I'm back!"

"Welcome home!" she heard from inside. She could smell the food being prepared as she closed the door and took off her shoes. "I've been keeping some beef soup on the burner, if you haven't had dinner yet," the voice said. Mana smiled. He was always considerate like that. Her stomach growled in anticipation.

She walked into the front room. The television was on the news, where a respectable, middle-aged man, and a younger, good-looking woman gave details about happenings across Japan and the world. Seated on the couch in front of it, Mana could see the back of a head, looking down at something. She walked over and peered over his right shoulder. The young man had a book filled with musical notes and discussions about them.

At her presence, the young man turned his head toward Mana. "Hey Shinji," Mana said, then pecked him on his cheek as she rose and walked towards the kitchen. She could hear him put the book down and get up from the couch. As Mana ladled the soup into a large bowl, Shinji spoke. "So what've you been up to, Mana?" They both sat down at the kitchen table. Mana began wolfing down the hot food.

In between slurps, she replied, "I've been, uh, sort of wandering. Trying to... find something to do, you know?"

Shinji nodded his head. "I guess. I still don't get why you resigned from Nerv – you could have gotten the pilot's salary, and not just the pension."

Mana spooned another measure into her mouth and swallowed. "We talked about this. I just... I was sick of them making me see those quacks." Her left hand began clenching and unclenching.

Shinji took Mana's hand in his, feeling it relax at his touch. "It's okay, Mana. I'm not saying it was wrong. I was just wondering. Plus, it's not as if the pension is that bad," he said with a smile. Mana ate some more, quiet. After a minute or three she said, "So, what was that book you had?"

"Oh! It's a musical biography of Rostopovich. Just got it this morning, and I've been running through it all day. It's got some really interesting insights to it."

Mana finished up the soup, and began mopping the last of it up with bread. "That sounds fun."

Shinji beamed. "Yeah, it was a great find." When Mana was finished eating, he stood up, grabbed her bowl, and put it into the sink. He went back and began kneading Mana's shoulders. She let out a long breath. "Thanks," she said. "No problem." For a few minutes she let him massage her shoulders, neck, and upper back. Neither spoke. The television quietly continued in the other room. Mana closed her eyes and concentrated on Shinji's hands.

"Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" Shinji said. Mana opened her mouth slightly, "Sure. What are you thinking of?" Shinji continued squeezing out various knots in Mana's muscles. "Well, I was thinking of Dr. Zhivago. My father actually recommended it to me."

Mana grunted in agreement, and Shinji smiled. After a few more minutes, Shinji leaned down to Mana's ear and whispered, "Okay, wake up, sleepyhead. Let's watch that movie before you fall asleep." Mana groaned in her throat, and slowly lifted her head and opened her eyes. Shinji was already on his way to the television. Rolling her head, Mana got up and followed him. She sat down on the couch next to Shinji and leaned onto him as the movie started.

They sat there and watched the old film. As the film went on, Mana found herself lazily caressing Shinji with her hand, and she could feel the small shivers going through his body. She looked at him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, feeling his face turn to a smile. But before long the occasional pecks became deep kisses, and they began making out on the couch. About halfway through the forgotten film, Mana pulled away from Shinji.

"Let's go to bed."

Shinji looked into her eyes. "Sure."

When they got into Shinji's bed, Mana pinned him down and straddled his waist. She kissed him hard. Mana wondered in the back of her mind if he imagined she was Asuka when they did this.

After an hour, both lay exhausted and sweaty. Shinji took in deep breaths through his mouth. Mana turned onto her side, and watched him stare at the ceiling with closed eyes.

"Wow," he said. He opened his eyes, and turned his head to Mana. "That was incredible."

Mana scooted over to him and put her arm around his torso, resting her head on his armpit. He kissed the top of her head. He closed his eyes again and Mana could feel his breathing slow down. After a few minutes Mana spoke, pricking Shinji awake.

"What do you think is going to happen?"

Shinji blinked his eyes a few times, trying to wake up. "Sorry Mana, what?" Mana kept her head resting on him.

"What do you see in your future, Shinji?"

"Oh, uhm." Shinji tried to think. "I'd, uh, I'd be in some orchestra or something, playing the cello. I've gotten a lot better lately, and I think I could pull that off." Mana was silent, which Shinji took as a cue to continue. "I – well I see us, in our home together. Probably still here, now that I think about it. And, I think we'd be married. Maybe we'd adopt a kid." Mana kept quiet. "And we, we'll never need to fight in the Evas again, and we could tell our kids how we saved the world when nobody thought we could. And we could just spend time together, not even doing anything." Mana said nothing. Shinji smiled, assuming she was asleep, and began to drift off himself. Just as he was falling asleep, Mana spoke very quietly.

"That's a good dream."

The next morning, Mana arrived at the meeting room at 10 AM sharp. Beck was already there with the final forms.

Without a word, Mana signed them.


	9. Surprise, Sometimes

**Chapter 9 – Surprise, Sometimes**

The first few days back in the United States were a blur for Mana. Between meeting various military men and politicos and apprising them of the current state of the JA-P³ program and the agreement with Nerv (which was duly approved by the Senate sub-committee), she had barely enough time to herself to eat. But eventually she was able to make time to see the Becks at their home outside D.C.

The sun had already set by the time Mana arrived at the house, set in one of the many suburban neighborhoods filled with various government officials and their families that surrounded the capital. Beck's house was unassuming; low-set, and somewhat small in comparison to what other generals or even colonels had. Mana knocked at the door twice. She could hear the voices of Nick and Lara yell at each other behind the door. Without being able to make out the exact words, she knew Lara was telling Nick to _get off your sorry ass and open that door or are you going to make your poor wife who gave you five children and is making your supper!_

The door opened from the inside, and Mana was greeted by Beck with a wide grin. "Mana, my dear girl, come in, come in!" he ushered her inside and said, "It's been too long since we saw you last."

Mana smiled back at him, "It's only been three months, you know." Nick opened his mouth to respond _that's still too long, you know_ but Mana cut him off. "It's good to see you too, Nick." She then yelled into the home, "Hello Lara!"

"Hello Mana!" came the response, followed by the woman. Lara Beck, coming into her 60's, had come into her role as Southern matron; she was small, shorter than Mana and certainly Nick, but her will was indomitable. She had once been beautiful, as a few photos around the house testified to, but those early good looks had been subsumed by time, stress, and children. But, to hear Beck tell the story, it had always been her heart, open and generous as it was, that had been what drew him to her. After some prodding however he would admit that Lara having amazing breasts when she was younger may have had an effect on him. But only a little.

Lara kissed both of Mana's cheeks. "You look gorgeous, Mana. Thank you for coming to dinner."

"Thanks, Lara," Mana said.

"Want to help me with the chicken in the oven? I could use another pair of hands in the kitchen." Lara asked, the same way she always asked if Mana wanted to help her with cooking. It was her way of trying to relate her domestic sphere to Mana.

"Not unless you want me to burn water, and I'm pretty sure you two _like_ this house," Mana said.

Lara nodded her head, "Ahh, so you're about as good as my husband here." Mana laughed at that as Nick walked off grumbling. Lara nodded her head after him. "Go on, I'll let you know when it's ready," she said.

Mana followed through the door Nick had taken. She knew where he was headed – it was his habit to spend time in his study before dinner. As Mana walked through the halls she barely registered the objects around her – pictures of relatives, paintings of landscapes (mostly long-underwater neoclassical plantations), and a few pre-Impact objets d'art.

For several years Mana failed to understand why the Becks had kept such reminders of an age, one as far-gone to her generation as the Victorian. She had eventually asked Lara that question one night. Lara had smiled gently, and given her answer.

'_You can't grow up without a past._'

Mana opened the heavy wooden door to Nick's study. He was standing in front of his bookshelf, rearranging the order. Mana quietly took a seat in a beautifully comfy chair and watched him work for a minute or two.

"So," she said, "what's the system this time?"

Beck continued to reshelf from a stack of books next to him. The titles were mostly memoirs and analyses of military strategies. "Well," he said, "I'm going back to the Library of Congress."

"I could have sworn you said once that the Library was for people who were too afraid to experiment."

Nick sighed, then put another title on – _Rousseau & Revolution_. "You're very correct, Mana. I did say that."

Mana smiled at Nick's back. "And then you went on to say that a good library must be searchable, or it's only a two-dimensional heap."

"Even more correct," Nick replied. Mana could hear a tone of avuncular irritation.

"So what happened?" Mana asked.

Nick turned around, with a study on the Battle of Midway in his hand. "Colon classification may be fit for artificial sapients, but I am but weak flesh!"

He stood, posing with his finger pointing at the ceiling, as Mana stared blankly.

"So you couldn't remember it all," she said.

"I couldn't remember anything!" he replied. "I would be looking for that biography of Colbert I told you about a few months back, and then I'd be standing in front of the shelf with this completely unintelligible string of numbers and colons just thinking Why, God Almighty, did I think I could use this?"

Both laughed at that. Nick put the book down on the shelf and sat on the chair next to Mana.

"Lara thinks you don't come by often enough," he said.

"Hey! I saw you both only what, three months ago?"

Nick patted her hand, "Lara just spoke to her grandchildren a week ago, and thinks it's been too long since she heard their voices, you need to understand."

"How are the kids, anyway?" Mana asked.

"They're growing into fine young boys and girls. And quickly, too. Faster than their parents, at least." Nick looked off at the far wall, and she followed his gaze. Along the wall were pictures of Nick and various other people, some in uniform. One picture caught Mana's eye – Nick, Lara, and their second daughter Emily (herself a little older than Mana) as tourists at the World Trade Center. She wondered when it had been taken.

She turned to Nick, who was still reminiscing. "Don't get all quiet on me, Nick. You're not that much of an old man just yet!" She smiled, expecting him to follow suit. But he stayed silent. Mana's smile faded.

"Is," she ventured, "is something wrong, Nick?"

Nick turned to Mana. "I think I'm going to retire next year, Mana."

The words washed over Mana at first, and she took a few seconds to comprehend them. "Wait, what? When did this happen?" she said as she shifted in her seat to lean closer to Nick.

"Me'n Lara have been talking it over for the past few months. She wants to go back down to Jefferson, so we can see our grandchildren grow up."

"And what about you?" Mana asked.

"I've gotten tired, Mana. And doing the Service Report proved it to me." He looked back at the wall, with its framed & folded American flag. "I've given so much to this country. Now by God I am proud of it, and I had friends who gave even more. But I'm not the same young man I was during the Impact Wars." He leaned back in his chair. "I missed my son's wedding because I had to take command of Trident Base after our old friend Scott's fine showing after New Vegas." Nick sighed. "Lara's right. I missed out on seeing my own children grow up."

Mana kept quiet.

"My only consolation," Nick continued, "is that they don't see it the same way. They are far more forgiving of me than they ought to be."

They sat quietly.

"So," Mana said, "back to Mississippi."

Nick chuckled. "It seems like. Donald, you remember him, don't you? well he and his wife are set down there. It's been so long since I left I can only imagine it's a completely different place."

"Hopefully the people stayed the same," she said.

"Or at least changed for the better. How did you find going back home?"

Mana bit the inside of her cheek. "I... don't really know. I haven't really had time to think about it since I got back. I've just been running around everywhere."

"Haven't been able to? Or do you not want to think about it?"

Mana stopped her thoughts.

One of the axioms underlying Mana's behavior was this: **That which cannot be adequately expressed is to be passed over in silence.**

Others included -  
**Loyalty given is loyalty earned.**  
and  
**All relationships are relationships of exchange.**  
and also  
**Do not talk about or mention religion in any way.**  
**Corollary**: Unless you _want_ Lisa Frederickson to invite you to her Women's Bible Group, where a bunch of women her age would rather interrogate every facet of your existence, focusing mainly on the fact that you're _half their age and still unmarried a good girl such as yourself well that's just not fair_ than talk about religion, while you sit there awkwardly wondering how you can be such an _idiot_, in which case, talk about your ambivalency with God all you'd like. No, really. Go ahead.

Nicholas Beck was one of the few people who could force Mana to bend that first principle.

"What if I said it was the second?" she asked.

He looked at her eyes. "Well then I'd ask you what's got you scared. Because I know, and more importantly you know, that you hate it when you think you might be wrong."

Mana kept focused on Nick. "What do you do if you've been wrong for years? When your mistake was so long ago you don't even remember why you did it in the first place?"

Nick patted her hand again. "You try to do the right thing where you are."

Mana was going to say something further, but they were interrupted by the voice of Lara calling out, telling them dinner was ready.

Like all the meals she had at the Beck household, this one was delicious. Lara told her about some of the choice social events (and their attendant faux-pas), and Mana had to laugh at how she told the stories. Mana talked about the authors she had read since they had last met, and Lara gave her some recommendations. But the evening came closer to an end, and Mana had to leave for Trident the next day.

Nick escorted her outside the house towards her car. The ground was damp, and the world around them was quiet. The two reached Mana's small car and faced each other.

"It's always a pleasure having your company, Mana," Beck said.

"Thanks, Nick," she replied. The smell of wet grass filled the air.

Just as she was about to open the door, Beck spoke.

"Mana," he said as she turned her head back to him, "my wife may be right about most things, but she missed one." Mana tilted her head, confused. "I," Beck went on, "did not miss out on seeing all of my kids grow up."

Mana straightened her back and turned around.

"I've seen you grow as a woman and an officer over the years. No matter what you may beat yourself up over, know that I have never had but the utmost pride in you."

"You see me as... a daughter?" Mana said, trying to control her voice, "Why... why didn't you say anything before?"

He smiled. "Well, now that I'm... officially old, I don't believe you're allowed to hit me for being sentimental."

She smiled back, and hugged him as tightly as she could.

"Thank you, Nick. For everything."

She could feel the tightness in his chest. He was close to breaking. "I thank God every day that you came into my life," he said.

Mana let go reluctantly, and got into her car. As she drove off she could see Nick wave her off in her rear-view mirror.

She didn't even notice the tears streaming down her face.

* * *

Kei arrived at Trident a few days after Mana returned to the base. Quickly she and her 20-odd-man team of technical experts established themselves on base, taking over a small unused hangar as their headquarters. For several days a stream of specialized equipment – computers, instruments, a whole other mess of electronics – flowed into the room, and under Kei's direction it quickly took its shape out of the constrained chaos.

Just as quickly Kei made herself a staple in the JA-P³ hangars, speaking with the American specialists, and Sizzo especially. The two of them would pore over the minute details of the schematics, and the issues that the earlier JA-P³ tests had had.

Mana kept herself busy with the pilots. Although the 3s were out of commission, the 2s were still usable, and so they made daily practice sorties under Mana and Chester's eyes. It was boring, but it was something to do besides sit in her office and make fun of William. What pleased her even more was the fact that Captain Howard was back in the pilot's seat, none the worse for the failed activation test. An added bonus was that she got to tease the sapient Theta over how his ex Ichi had been so interested in meeting new & single sapients. He had responded by shutting down her work computer.

Mana had not been pleased by that.

After a week, Kei asked Mana if she and Chester could make some time to have a discussion with her.

When Mana walked into the room, she saw Kei already sitting, her hands clasped in front of her on the conference table. Next to her sat two of her assistants, women, dressed in the usual Nerv brown uniform, and unremarkable to Mana in any way save for their damn-near perfectly circular heads. She wondered how that was possible. Both kept their heads down, studying their PDAs. Also sitting at the table was Sizzo, who looked utterly miserable, as if he hadn't had a night's sleep in a week. Which was entirely possible, when Mana considered it for a moment.

She and Chester took seats next to each other. They sat straight, and Chester laid his forearms on the table, laying his right hand over his left.

"So, what's the occasion, Kei?" Mana began.

"I wished to speak with you and Chief Pilot Jefferson because I and Master Technician Sizzo have been unable to justify certain of these mental blockers implemented in both the JA-P² and 3 systems." Kei said this without moving, fidgeting, or blinking. It disconcerted Mana.

"Which ones are you thinking of?" Chester asked. Kei pulled out her own PDA and tapped it a few times. On the wall to Mana's left a projection screen lit up with information.

"Ahh, what Dr. Nagisa is saying is that we think we found the problem," Sizzo said, "and by the problem, I specifically mean the one for Unit Gamma." Sizzo pointed at the mental schematics on the wall, a complicated web of white lines on blue, with a laser. "If you look here, you'll see this blocker in particular," he circled one blocker a few times, "which truncates any meaningful mental connection between the pilot and any artificial sapient or intelligence. And unlike any of the others, this is hardware, not software. We think that when Gamma got to the point of connection, this blocker seems to have shocked the intelligence in Gamma, shutting it down prematurely."

Chester spoke, "Now why did the power go off in the base?"

Sizzo shrugged. "We think we found Gamma's problem, not Trident's."

Chester looked at the schematic and frowned. "And your recommendation, Dr. Nagisa?"

"I recommend a complete overhaul of your mental connections, removing almost all of the blockers. This should reduce the failure rate in the activation tests. I would also recommend a move back to artificial sapients for the Jet Alone Prime 3's. They are more efficient, and might save precious instants in the field."

Chester looked over at Mana. "What do you think, Krish?"

Mana stared at Kei, who remained unnaturally still. Even more still than Mana could be, and she could turn off her limbs.

"I reject this recommendation completely and totally," Mana said. She noticed Kei's eyes widen the slightest bit at that.

"May I ask your reasons why?" Kei said.

"Yes, you may," Mana responded, "If you read the material, Dr. Nagisa, you might know what happened at the activation test for Unit Zeta. It was because of the lax safeguards in that unit that almost led to the pilot's death through mental destruction. That sapient, I'll remind you, not intelligence, almost overrode his brain. Even when we severed the connection manually we were almost too late. Captain Westerlund lost the ability to walk after that test. A few seconds more and who knows what the damage could have been."

"I read the material and I know the circumstances, Colonel," Kei said, "but that is an acceptable risk with making mental connections. One may get hurt."

Mana was getting mad as more of the memories came back to her. "James almost became a meat puppet, and you call that _acceptable_?"

"We must strive for safety, but too much prevents anything from being done. Need I remind you, Colonel, about the Evangelion you piloted?" Kei asked. The other figures in the room seemed to fade in the background as the two pushed against each other.

"No you don't, but I will not put another person in that position. I don't care how ethical or reasonable the new intelligences and sapients are, they are to remain fundamentally separate from the pilot's mind." She pointed at Sizzo, "you will find a way around removing that blocker," then at Kei, "and if _you_ so much as touch it, I will have you and your little group thrown out of her so fast you won't even feel the door hit your ass."

The room was silent. "Do you understand!" Mana yelled, startling everyone except Kei. Various voices agreed as Mana stormed out of the room.

On some level, Mana knew her outburst might have been out of line. Kei had personally come to oversee these efforts, and when she had given her first thoughts, Mana had pretty much bit her head off. But no one else had been there for Zeta. No one else had heard Westerlund cry for mercy as the sapient attempted to download itself into him. In Mana's mind, the only reason she could believe Kei was alright with it was because of how one of her own vicious 'offspring' had done the same thing in Australia. Mana cursed herself. She should have remembered that before letting Kei anywhere near the units.

As she stalked the halls of the base towards her quarters, Mana thought up plans to make sure Kei left things the way she had found them. She considered sending Kei back herself, but had little faith in her assistants to chart new ground, if the two she had seen were any indication.

Mana slammed open the door to her office. William was snoring in a chair. Picking him up by the collar, she shook him awake, then threw him out into the hallway. He didn't seem hurt, but Mana didn't care. Stalking over to her desk, she calculated the time difference to Tokyo-3. Sitting down, she opened a bottom drawer on her desk and drew out an old bottle of Tennessee bourbon, a birthday gift from Beck the year before. Her hand was wrapped around the neck of the bottle, and her fingers tapped an odd rhythm on it, but she didn't open it.

Contemplating her actions for a few seconds, Mana placed a call to Tokyo-3. Her fingers produced a dull tinking sound as they tapped against the glass bottle.

Eventually she heard a voice speak: "Hello there, you've reached Shinji Ikari." Voicemail. Mana cursed as it went on, "sorry I'm not here right now." Mana reached out to end the call when the line clicked. Shinji's face appeared on the screen.

"Hello there! Sorry I- Mana? Hey! Ah- how are you?"

Mana stopped drumming her fingers on the bourbon. "Hey," she said, trying to articulate herself further, "I want to kill your sister," she blurted out.

Shinji blinked a few times. "Please don't," he said smiling, "Kei's my last sister that's not a giant robot."

Mana let got of the bottle and tried not to chuckle. Suddenly her anger seemed like so much affectation, and almost embarrassed her. "I'll, uh, I'll try," she said, "Because you asked."

"Thanks! But what happened? You usually don't threaten to kill people."

Mana laid out to him what had happened.

Shinji's forehead tensed. "That's... strange. For Kei. I'll uh, I mean, I can talk to her, if you'd like? She's not the best diplomat in the world."

Mana rested her chin on her hand. Talking about it had made her feel even more out of line. She still thought she was right, though.

"Actually, I should probably deal with this. I... I sort of fucked this up," she said.

He nodded. "Sooo," he said, "besides that, what's up?"

Mana thought for a second. "Why don't you just tell me what you've been up to. I don't really want to talk right now, if that's okay."

Shinji nodded again. "No problem. I think I understand."

For an hour he talked, mostly about his cello students. Four were auditioning for orchestra positions in Kyoto or Tokyo-2, and several others had been requested to play around Europe and South America. At some point she quietly put the bottle of booze back into the drawer. After hearing about his students, a question struck Mana.

"Do you tour at all outside Japan?" she asked.

Shinji stopped mid-sentence. "Ah, yes, actually! That was something I wanted to talk about with you."

"Yeah? Go on."

"Well, I'll be performing a few solo pieces in New New York for Christmas this year. I was wondering if you'd like to meet up at some point?"

Mana looked at Shinji's face on the screen. What should she say? What did she want to say?

"When would you be done?" she asked.

"Well, I have my last performance on the 23rd, and then I don't have to be back here until the end of January when term starts again."

"Shinji," Mana said, "would you like to come up to Maine at all?"

Shinji grinned. "That'd be great, Mana! I've never seen that part of the United States at all."

Mana was surprised at that second sentence. Did he not want to spend time with her? But she pushed on.

"Alright then, how about I meet you on Christmas Eve, and we can figure out what to do from there?"

"Improvisation? I think I can do that," Shinji replied.

After talking about small matters for the next half hour, the two said goodbye. Mana sat back in her chair in the dark and stared at her ceiling.

So God help her she enjoyed talking about the stupidest shit with Shinji. But she didn't want that. She had given up her chance with him long ago. So why was she setting things up so that they would be spending time together? Why was she setting them up to hate each other again?

Mana didn't find an answer that night.


	10. All Her Past & Future

**Chapter 10 – All Her Past & Future**

After two days of back and forth, Mana went and apologized to Kei if she had been out of order at the meeting. Kei had accepted, but had then said that although she would take Mana's concerns into consideration, perhaps Mana should leave technical matters to the experts.

After that Mana had left the meetings solely to Chester, who could see Kei without wanting to break her face. But for all her misgivings about the Nerv team, they operated professionally & efficiently. A week and a half after the first conference, Unit Gamma was activated successfully, without having to remove the physical blocker.

Mid-December Mana returned to Maine, confident that Sizzo and Chester could keep an eye on things. But when she got there she found her mind running around in circles.

Mana had first come to that town in order to escape from the rest of the world – a quiet place where she could forget about the duties and issues cropping up around her at Trident or Washington. And for the years she had spent there, it had worked; her mind always rested in the country. But there was too much to think about this time, and nothing to distract her.

She thought about Beck a lot. What his retirement meant. She wondered if she should leave the military as well. But then she thought '_What was my life about?_'

She had saved the world. And?

Beck had a family, a stake in history. But what about Mana? Was she just some piece of driftwood, fated to never place roots? So what if she retired – what would she go to instead?

Mana thought about her death, what people might say. And nothing she could think of in those imaginary eulogies settled her heart. She had given her life up, and didn't know if she had gotten anything in return.

Questions. Only questions.

A couple of nights she had to drink so that she could sleep through the questions. And the questions made her mad, and she felt impotent and frustrated that she couldn't figure it out, that she was flailing to keep her head above water. She hadn't felt this way in a long time, and she hated it.

Her books didn't help. Mana would pull books randomly from the shelf, flip through a few pages, then put them back. First a yellowed paperback, then an ancient leather-bound work, to a pre-Impact hardcover. She thought maybe, just maybe, there would be some kind of an answer in the collection, some sign that she had done the right thing. But though the authors spoke, they spoke gibberish. Hemingway, Undset, Conrad, and more – she felt they were all talking past her, that she had missed something somewhere that everyone else had picked up, and just assumed Mana was there with them.

Mana stayed off the balcony now that the snow had begun, but she would look through the glass door over Long Lake, far below her, towards North Bridgton and Pleasant Mountain. She would spend hours watching the sky turn from steel gray to black. Waiting.

Questions. Only questions.

And no answers.

* * *

On the morning of December 24th, Mana drove down to New Portland. A blizzard had hit the New England area only two days before (dropping 3 feet of snow in Harrison), but the plowmen had reopened the roads at speed. Shinji was scheduled to arrive around noon, so Mana planned to arrive a half hour early.

New Portland had never been large. Built on top of Gorham, it was still attempting to obtain the dignity of a city that age had given to Portland. Neoclassical facades could only do so much.

The airport was small and low, and the only reason it claimed the title of 'International' was because of connections into Quebec. Mana found a parking space after some trials, and walked towards the terminal, avoiding the berms of plowed snow. Although obscured, the sun shone bright behind the clouds.

The terminal's ceiling was low, and the walls were painted a terrible shade of light brown. Around her people jostled and bustled. To her right stairs led up to the exit the arrivals took. The walls and halls were decked with plenty of non-denominational and non-confrontational winter bunting, and over the speakers Eartha Kitt sang "Santa Baby." Mana checked the arrivals monitor – NAA1297 from New New York was on time to land in about twenty minutes.

Mana stood around and waited. "Jingle Bells" came on. Mana could hear beeping from the security checkpoint. Unconsciously she began to fidget.

What did Mana want from Shinji? She had plotted out how he might respond to anything she'd say, then how she would respond to that – she had imagined the timings, the physical movements, how best she might get any point across. But at the heart was a gap. Mana didn't know what she wanted.

A luggage carousel to Mana's left began to shake and move. It was for NAA1297. Mana watched the exit from the gates. After a few more minutes she saw the familiar head of black hair.

Mana smiled without thinking, waved at him, and caught his attention. He waved back. Mana could see he was wearing a thin jacket and carrying a black laptop bag.

Coming near her Shinji stopped. "Ah, I need to go by the luggage office first. They have my cello."

"Anything coming on the carousel?"

Shinji cracked his neck. "Yeah, but that'll be a few minutes more." With that, they went over to the door on the far left wall, where a woman in a blue uniform sat.

"Excuse me," Shinji said, getting her attention, "do you have a cello case? It'll be marked Ikari."

The woman began clicking through her computer, squinting her eyes once or twice. "Yes," she said, "it should be..." she got up and went to the back of her office, and pulled out a deep black case. She handed it over to Shinji. Mana noticed his eyes quickly glance over the case, looking for any scuffs or sign of damage.

"Thank you very much," he said.

"You're welcome," the woman replied, going back to her work.

And that was it. No fanfare. No adulation. To Mana the woman hadn't seemed that much younger than her – did she just not remember that Ikari was the last name of one of the people who saved the world?

Ungrateful.

"So," Mana said as they walked towards the carousel, "how was New York?"

Shinji let out a breath. "It was... I have to say that was the biggest crowd I've ever performed in front of in my life." He pointed out a green duffel bag, which Mana easily hefted.

"But it went well?" she asked as they left the terminal and walked towards her car. She put his luggage in the trunk.

He grinned like a boy as he got into the passenger's seat. "Well, they stood and applauded me for two encores, so I can't think I did too poorly."

Mana pulled away from the airport, and began heading north. Shinji shivered as they drove.

"Maybe you should have gotten something more substantial to wear," Mana said as she turned up the car's heat.

Shinji rubbed his hands over his arms. "Oh yeah, like the guy who's only known summer in his life is going to know what's appropriate to wear in this snowy winterland."

Mana chuckled. "Don't worry, I've got some extra jackets at my place. I'll try to make sure you don't freeze up here."

They talked more about Shinji's time in NNY as they approached 302. Turning left at the junction, they continued towards Sebago Lake.

The New York area had sprung back faster and higher than anyone could have imagined from Second Impact. By 2037 it had almost reestablished its place as one of the finest cities in the world. Shinji had little but good to say about the area. His hosts had been friendly, and had given Shinji free reign to explore the streets as he would.

As they passed through North Windham, Shinji asked Mana if she had ever spent time there. She had, a while ago, though. She didn't say much beyond that.

"So how'd you decide what to play?" Mana asked. She started to overtake a truck on the road outside Raymond, and hit her horn hard when the other driver decided to speed up as she was at their side. Mana forced them to pull back, and she got back into her lane.

"Ah," Shinji said, "well I played most of Bach's solo cello suite."

Mana tried to remember how she knew that piece. "I feel like I heard that one before."

"Well, it is pretty famous-"

"No, no. I mean. I know you played it before. I just can't remember when."

Shinji thought for a moment. "You know, I bet it was when you came to my audition for Tokyo-3 University. I'm almost certain I played the first part for the music faculty that day." He laughed once. "Oh jeez, that was a long time ago." He looked over at Mana. "I like to think I've gotten better at it since then."

"I thought you did well back then. I think I told you that as well."

"To be objective, Mana, we were also in a relationship at the time."

Mana was silent for a minute. "Still thought you sounded good."

Driving towards South Casco Shinji looked to their left at Sebago Lake. It's surface was covered in only a thin layer of ice and snow. "Now that's impressive," he said, "how big is that compared to Ashi?"

"It's probably the same size or so. Sebago's pretty large."

Shinji rolled the letters in his mouth. "Sebago. Sebago. Seh-bay-goh. That's a cool name. What does it mean?"

Mana thought about it. She never had before, but now she was actually interested in the answer. "You know, I'm not sure."

Both remained quiet as they passed by Naples and headed north on 35. The clouds had gotten darker, a mix of varying grays. Mana made sure to watch out for any patches of black ice.

By the time they arrived in Harrison, a very light snowfall was coming down. Only a few other cars were on the roads around town.

"So this is the place?" Shinji asked.

Mana turned the car onto another road. "Not here. I'm just outside town."

A few more minutes of driving, and Mana pulled into the long driveway to her house. "Looks nice," Shinji said. He looked at a sign hanging from the balcony. "What's Briggs Ave 2?"

Mana shrugged as she parked the car in the ground floor garage. "The old owner said it was something from his uncle, and I just never took it down."

Shinji pulled out his cello from the back. "Know what happened to him?"

Mana opened the door to the stairs to the main floor, and got Shinji's other luggage. "I get a Christmas card from him every year. Pretty sure he lives over in Wisconsin now."

They got to the top and opened the door. "So, here it is," Mana said, gesturing over the couches in the living room and the small kitchen.

Shinji put his cello down and looked around the room. He focused on the wall-spanning window facing the outside balcony. "Wow, that is an incredible view."

Mana poked his arm. "Come on, let's put your stuff away, then you can gawk."

She put him in the guest room, only a few feet away from her door. She prayed she wouldn't try anything like she did in Tokyo-3. As he unpacked a little Mana threw the little ham she had bought for dinner into the oven. For the first time she wished she had grilled Lara or Lisa on recipes. She was fine with quick food for herself, but when she had realized Shinji would be eating food with her, she had felt very inadequate.

The afternoon and evening passed well. Shinji had only good things to say about the slapdash meal Mana had prepared, even though she could see at least three or four things wrong with it.

The evening was quiet. Mana was 'working' and Shinji 'reading', but both were mostly talking in the living room. The snow had stopped outside, but had left a thin layer of snow on the world. In the distance lights blinked on Pleasant Mountain and down in North Bridgton.

"Do you mind playing something?" Mana asked Shinji. In the past two hours she had only gotten through three pages of performance evaluations for her pilots. It was time to accept that it wasn't going to be finished that night.

He looked up from his book. "Sure. Give me a second." He came back with his case. He opened it up, and Mana got a nice look at the instrument. Under the lamps patches of bright reflection hit Mana's eyes. Shinji pulled out his bow and began tuning the instrument. "Any requests?" he asked.

"Whatever you like," Mana replied.

Shinji smiled, and tested the strings with his bow. After a moment, he began playing. His movements were staccato, his motions like strings snapping in stop motion. Mana had no clue what he was playing, but it didn't matter. She watched his fingers play over the strings, sliding down almost to the bow, then back up top. Shinji's eyes were closed, and he subtly swayed his head with the music, but kept the rest of his body as still as he could.

Yes, Mana could see why the audience in New York had given him such accolades.

He played for almost twenty minutes, and Mana kept her eyes on him the whole time. It felt so natural, to be here like this with him, just listening to the music.

Finally, Shinji plucked the last few notes with his left hand, and put the bow down. He opened his eyes and looked at Mana, "So what did you think?"

"I liked it. It seemed very difficult."

Shinji let out a laugh. "Yeah, Kodaly can be pretty tough, but I think he's worth it."

"Did you play it on tour?"

Shinji started putting the cello away, "Ah, no actually."

Mana raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I'm sure you could have gotten three encores if you had."

* * *

That night Mana had another nightmare – Rampel this time. She was back in Jet Alone Prime but there was no help, just her and the unstoppable mountain. And she pushed and strained and tensed her body to give everything to hold it back, to stop it. But there is no help, no chance to win. Jet Alone Prime breaks, and now Rampel is crushing her, grinding her to dust, and there is no way out, only an eternity of pain. And Mana can't even cry out as the mountain smashes her and she will never escape.

Mana awoke in the small hours of the morning to find her bed soaked with sweat, and with the sheets torn where she had ripped them while asleep. She sat up in her bed and drew her knees in. She wasn't going to get any more sleep.

* * *

Christmas day. Shinji woke up much later than Mana, and when she suggested they go out for a drive, he agreed.

As they drove to Edes Falls Road, Mana pointed out a few of the houses.

"That's a big one," Shinji said. It had three stories, and its white paint blended in with the snow all around it.

"Yeah, his wife died and his son committed suicide. He's got a story." She pointed down the road. "Over there's the house of the old Town Manager. He's still in a big fight with some of the Selectmen. Don't ask me over what, it's most likely something completely irrelevant. Probably the roads." Another house, smaller, more the size of Mana's. "The woman there got divorced, has a small kid, and works at one of the local schools."

"How do you get all this?" Shinji asked.

Mana shrugged. "My friend David jogs around here, and he gets people's stories. Then he tells me them, even when I don't ask."

They stopped at the intersection. "So Shinji, anywhere in particular you'd like to see?"

He shrugged and grinned. "Let's just drive."

Mana started towards Waterford. As they moved off the main roads, the car ran over bumps and cracks in the road, each with their own unique sound. The small cracks caused by ice – _ka-tuck ka-tuck ka-tuck_, sinkholes – _ba-**dunk** ba-**dunk**_, and the like.

Beyond the road, great stretches of forest went off into the distance. Thin gray and tan trunks stood in ranks, contrasted with the snow and the remaining green leaves. When they would reach the top of a hill, Mana was reminded of the beauty of the land, and why she had come here, when she saw the far off tracts of land.

"Wow," was all Shinji said.

"You should see it in the summer and fall. Even better then," Mana replied. Her hands were tight on the wheel, and she fidgeted as she drove.

_ka-tuck ka-tuck ka-tuck_

"Shinji," Mana said after a long while, "what do you think of your old girlfriends?"

That got his attention. "What do you mean by that?"

"Just... what do you think about them now." _Them_. Not Mana. By trying to focus on them she focused on herself.

"That's... that's a big question. I mean, I do think about them, if that's what you mean."

Mana kept a conscious check on her breathing.

Shinji continued. "If you mean if I still care for them? I... in some sense I do. I wouldn't have been in relationships with them if I hadn't cared for them at all, and any relationship you make is going to stick with you."

"Even Athene?"

"Huh?" Shinji took a second to recover. "Y-yes, in some sense even her. She's a good girl, and I hope she'll find someone better for her."

Silence.

_ka-tuck ka-tuck ka-tuck_

"Did you ever tell them you loved them?" Mana kept watching the road. She was pushing him, had to push him further.

"No," he said, "because I didn't." Mana said nothing, so he went on. "I felt... affection for them. They were nice to be around, nice to talk to, but... it never went beyond that. I didn't tell them I loved them because I didn't love them. I only told two women that."

Mana could feel Shinji turn his eyes to her. She didn't face him.

"A man asked me to marry him, once upon a time," Mana said. "His name was Edward Treadwell. And for some stupid reason he loved me." She watched as they passed a group of wild turkeys. "We had been together for three-no, four years. And every once in a while he'd say that he loved me, and I'd just smile and laugh. I liked him, I liked being with him, but I couldn't say the words. Until one day he asked me to marry him, saying that he didn't want any other women in his life, he just wanted me."

Mana stopped for a second. "And, I just couldn't understand him. Why he was willing to make this jump for me, when I had never done anything the same for him. He- I got scared then. Scared of making that last oath when I hadn't even said the first one, and scared of him for putting me in that position."

_ba-**dunk** ba-**dunk**_

Mana pulled the car to a stop on the side of the road. The forest watched quietly.

"What did you do?" Shinji asked, his voice level.

Another pause. "I- I ran. I ran from him, because I was too scared, too much of a goddamn coward!" Mana's hands gripped the wheel tightly, the leather creaking.

More silence. "Why are you telling me this?" Shinji asked.

Mana didn't know. To scare him off? '_I never changed, I'll still hurt you again_'?

"Did you ever hate me?" Mana asked, finally turning to look at Shinji.

He looked back straight into her eyes. "No. Never."

"Why?" On some level she couldn't articulate, Mana needed to know.

"Because I loved you."

With that Mana took off her seatbelt and got out of the car. Shinji was surprised, but followed quickly. Mana didn't walk far before she turned around.

"Do you still love me?" she asked. Her breath steamed in the cold air.

"Yes," was all he said.

Mana smiled grimly. "You really shouldn't. I hated you for so long."

Shinji shivered lightly. "Do you still hate me?"

Mana's hands turned to fists, and she was ready to hit him. She walked up to him to do so, and he made no move to defend himself, but at the last moment she stopped.

"I'm sick of hating," Mana said low, then yelled "_I'm sick of it!_ The only way I couldn't hate myself for leaving was to hate you! You and everyone else at Nerv for driving me away. That was how I had to justify myself! For _18 fucking years_, Shinji! How the fuck can you love a piece of shit coward like me?" Mana walked over to a tree and punched it, leaving an imprint of her fist in the trunk. She turned back to Shinji. "I gave up my chance with you. How can you give me another one!"

This was her labyrinth, laid bare, out of which she could see no escape. She faced him, ready for any misstep on his part.

A bird cried out in the distance, the only sound for miles.

Wordlessly, Shinji walked to Mana, took her hand, and brought her into a light embrace.

Mana's snarl disappeared, as she registered what had happened. After a few moments, she started sobbing into his shoulder, cursing herself for everything she had done wrong.

And the wind whistled through the trees.


	11. The End

**Chapter 11 – The End**

Summer had just started. The last of the ice in the lakes had melted off (though people talked about that time in 2004 when there had been ice in Sebago until July), and green forests dominated the view of the lake country. Boats were being put out on the water, and flatlanders from New Boston were starting to move into their cottages.

Mana and Shinji were sitting together in a booth inside the general store on Harrison's main street. Behind them a group of women went on and on about what they had to get done before the end of the week.

"It's family, what are you going to do?" one of them said, "Good thing she was flat-chested!" At which the table guffawed, and Mana and Shinji smiled at each other, trying not to laugh.

Mana hit Shinji's arm as he took a bit out of his sandwich. "So when's the first performance?" she asked.

He glowered at Mana, chewed his food, then answered. "Two weeks. June 11."

"And that's in Augusta?"

"Yes indeed. And don't worry, you've got a pretty nice seat, from what I've been told of the space."

Mana leaned on Shinji's shoulder. "Good. You excited?"

"I am for any performance." He took another bite and swallowed. "Did you get that message from Uri?"

"About the interview? Yeah." Mana took a drink from her soda.

"Think you'll do it?"

Mana paused for a moment. "I think so. I'll probably let him know I'm free for two weeks in October, so he can pick my brain then. Have you done it yet?"

Shinji shook his head. "A couple of times. They're an... interesting experience. I don't think I'd do it for anyone besides him."

They ate quietly, watching and listening to other people as they came in and left the store. Every so often someone would say hello to Mana, and they would talk about the small, perennial matters. When they were both done, they left the store and started walking towards Crystal Lake. They passed the baseball diamond and approached the water. A few dozen yards to their left kids played on the sandy beach, yelping at the cold water.

Mana sat down on a large boulder, looking across the lake. Shinji sat down beside her, propping himself up with his hands.

"So I sent a letter to Edward, asking him how he's doing," Mana said. Shinji turned to her, and she to him. "Don't worry," she said, putting her hand on his, "it's just to see."

"You know I'm not worried about that."

"I know. But I'll reassure you anyway. For my sake." She squeezed his hand. They spent a while at the lake, and Mana convinced Shinji to wade into the water. '_It's not that cold, they're just kids. You'll be fine._' He yowled at the cold, and Mana just laughed and laughed.

That evening they had dinner at the Old Factory with the Fredericksons. David was ecstatic to meet Shinji, whom he had heard so much about from the news over the years, and Mana recently.

The dinner went well, even when David made his 'joke' about how you can tell the Maine women from others - "It's the big asses they have!" - which left Mana and Lisa holding their heads, and Shinji just confused. "It's because they don't get out in the winter!" David said, laughing louder.

Mana stared at the quilts hanging parallel to the ceiling and felt embarrassed. But Shinji laughed as well, and joked back with David. They got on very well, and the Fredericksons said they would do their best to get to one of Shinji's performances that summer.

After dinner, Mana and Shinji walked back up the hill towards her home – the night was too nice to spend driving. They walked side by side in silence, listening to the sound of their feet slapping the asphalt and of various insects chirping in the woods. Mana would glance at Shinji, trying to gauge his thoughts. She was still a little surprised he had accepted her offer of staying the summer with her, going across New England now and then to play his cello.

It was under the stars and the fireflies that Mana had her revelation. She stopped dead in the middle of the street. Shinji did not love her because of what she did, but who she was – it was as much a giving of himself as it was a recognition of her. That was why he could say he still loved her, even after what she had done.

Shinji turned back to Mana. "Hey. What's up?" he asked.

And that was the way out of the labyrinth. That was how she could get out of the trap she had set for herself when she had left Japan. She didn't need to either hate Shinji or herself. Love was not a give and take, an economic transaction made for favors given and received, the way Mana had thought of it for most of her life, but a free gift from one person to another. It was always a risk, putting yourself in someone else's hands, but to do otherwise was only a slow suicide. Mana knew that now.

There would be ups and downs, steps forward and steps back, but now that she knew this she could not unlearn it.

Mana could not say the words just then, but she would someday.

Mana smiled, and without a word kissed Shinji.

**The End**  
_cras amet qui numquam amavit quique amavit cras amet_


	12. Postscript

Right, so I promised myself that I'd do a little postscript to TWR to talk about some things and get some thoughts down.

1) The genesis for this idea was, of course, Chapter 75 of "Nobody Dies", where Lilith runs around Nerv, tanging folks left and right. In the Spacebattles thread, someone mentioned what it might look like if people didn't get un-Tanged. So sometime right after Halloween 2010, if memory serves, I wrote up this -

* * *

It was just another day in the Tokyo-3 graveyard, just outside the city. One of the legacies of the vast casualties of Second Impact, it spread like a stain across a huge area. Various persons silently made their way through the forest of memorials, not seeing anyone else, each lost in their own thoughts. One man, slightly older, stood in front of his destination.  
Shinji Ikari stared at the simple black post, with the small bouquet of flowers at its bottom, as he had the same day for the last 20 years.

Asuka Langley Sohryu, 2001-2017

He had wanted to die, at first. Many had felt the same way. They had beaten Lilith, though it had taken a fierce battle. But after the smoke had cleared the horror began - they couldn't get the souls back. With Lilith destroyed, they were all gone - the Ree, Asuka, the many personnel who had been dissolved damn near completely unaware of what was happening - all were lost. For a time, people didn't know how to react. Yui and Gendo worked day and night for months trying to find a way to find the lost souls, and even reenlisted Fuyutsuki to help. But with every test, a failure, and with every failure, hope ebbed away.

It was Pieter who contacted one of the priests in Tokyo-3, asking for the funeral. He would never admit it, but it would be the hardest thing he would ever do in his life. Uriel would forever blame himself, thinking that if he had fought differently, they might have been able to save Asuka. The admittance that his sister would never come back, that she really had been stolen by the "giant marshmallow bitch", did not come easy.

But it was Shinji who seemed to be hurt the most. He grew quiet. Misato saw parallels to herself after Second Impact, and tried her best to keep him from closing up completely. Hikari wept on his shoulder at the funeral, with Kensuke and Touji subdued.

But life went on. Kei and Kaworu returned to Tokyo-3, and Nerv continued, if greatly diminished in spirit. The last few Cherubim were hunted down, and the Angels, losing both means to Instrumentality, were either destroyed or made allies.

But that was the past. Shinji stared down through his glasses at the marker when he heard the sound of footsteps stop behind him. He turned around, and sees a face he had not witnessed for over 18 years. He narrowed his eyes - she's older, but is it? "Mana?" he said.

The woman in front of him wore a dark grey uniform, her cap with three stars over two bars. Her hair, cropped to her shoulders, is a bright brown. She smiled at his question. "Yeah, it's me. Long time no see, huh?"

He frowned. "Let me guess, someone told you to come here, and tell me everything's alright, well FUCK THAT, and FUCK EVERYTHI-" He stopped himself, realizing what he's doing. Mana looked at him with eyes widened. She hadn't expected *that* to be the first thing out of his mouth.

Shinji looked down at the dirt. Mana takes a deep breath. "We should talk," she says.

"Yeah."

* * *

As you can probably tell, a lot different from what it all ended up as - Mana is the stable one, with Shinji unable to move on from the past. Funny how it got completely switched around in the full story. I think it's a lot better as it is.

2) Music  
Every chapter has a song that I linked to in conjunction with posting the chapters in the ND thread. They are (Song, Artist, Album, with attendant link):  
Ch 1 - Papillon, Nervous Doll Dancing, Aphelion (http:/ akeenerheart. tumblr. com/post/3891811195/papillon-by-nervous-doll-dancing-off-of-2009s )  
Ch 2 - Moscow is in the Telephone, Rachel's, Systems/Layers (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=E5UnA7RIJ08 )  
Ch 3 - I was Only 19, Redgum (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=Urtiyp-G6jY )  
Ch 4 - If I Only..., Do Make Say Think, Do Make Say Think (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=4uFwM9Bnp_I)  
Ch 5 - The Adolescent, Gregor Samsa, Rest (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=U_i2UmRY5pA )  
Ch 6 - 13 Angels Standing Guard 'Round the Side of Your Bed, A Silver Mt Zion, He Has Left Us Alone But Shafts Of Light Still Sometimes Grace the Corners of Our Rooms (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=hQZfGa5t4e8 )  
Ch 7 - Lissie's Heart Murmur, Warpaint, The Fool (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=uEHd3j1jPeY )  
Ch 8 - Videotape, Radiohead, In Rainbows (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=Qvv-LpTBWVk )  
Ch 9 - Untitled, Interpol, Turn on the Bright Lights (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=Ejoxw_xrTJc )  
Ch 10 - Pyramid Song, Radiohead, Amnesiac (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=zbKQPqs-cqc )  
Ch 11 - True Love Will Find You In the End, A Whisper in the Noise, Dry Land (http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=Wil0bEpnUd8 )  
Yeah, I am **never** titling chapters off of the songs they use ever again. Just... that was a dumb idea. But by the time I realized that it was too late, and I just had to plow through.

3) Other Thoughts  
The Good:  
I love the beginning of Ch. 3, where Lilith blows up. I really think I captured some of the panic with the dissolution of the text.  
I think the ending of Ch. 8, where Mana & Shinji just spend an evening together, is one of the best scenes of them I wrote. Some of Mana's inner contradictions are well on display in how she acts there.  
I think the first moment where things clicked is when Mana tells Uri that she didn't miss anyone from Nerv. That statement came out of the blue to me, and I thought, "Damn, that's perfect."

The Bad:  
I should have written an outline. That's pretty much the root of a lot of the problems I faced, especially as I got past Ch. 6. I only (finally) wrote an outline when I hit Ch. 9, and realized that I had a number of points that I wanted to hit, and it would be much easier if I put them on paper to figure out their relationship.  
I had a vague idea from the beginning of where I wanted to go, but if I had done something like that from the beginning, I think it would have been much tighter. I could have played up Mana's ambivalency about returning to Japan, foreshadow her issues with Shinji, added a scene or two with Beck to establish their relationship, all that good stuff. Looking back over the first chapters, I was pretty confused about where I wanted to take things. In the intro chapters there are a lot of unnecessary points - especially the stupid ring. Originally that was supposed to be Mana's old wedding ring, and she was a widow who kept the ring on. But after the first chapter got written I decided that wasn't a good idea, so that didn't go anywhere.  
Chapters are an average length of 4500 words or so. A little on the short side, but I wasn't too sure how to lengthen them while still adding in meaningful material.

The Other:  
This was an interesting experiment. Having the gap of 20 years between the points of action was a great excuse to jump around time and juxtapose scenes with similar themes.  
A lot of what I read through writing this bled through. From Faulkner's _Light in August_ to _The Magus_ by John Fowles (which is the source of the final epigram), they all helped in their own way.  
In case you don't speak Latin, the final epigram can be translated thusly - _May (s)he who has never loved love now, and may (s)he who has loved love again_ - appropriate for our duo.

Things I would do differently 5 months on:  
I'd have made references to Mana's rocky thoughts concerning Japan/Nerv/Shinji in the first chapter. Mention the 'labyrinth', as it's such a great image.

Anyway! thanks for reading! Dziekuje! Danke vielmals! Gracias! Gratias tibi !


End file.
